Everything's just Mashed Potatoes and Gravy Marie.

Mashed potatoes and gravy. That's how this past Christmas went, just mashed potatoes and gravy; that is, other than the classic Christmas over-spend. Oh well, tis the season to be merry. "Well that's my name!" "No shit." Sorry, got all Chevy Chase there for a moment. This blog is starting off great, not only have I mentioned potatoes like crazy, I am also writing as if I have never communicated with a mass internet audience before; and we all know that's not true. Hell, these past few months I've come to see some of the finest Toastedblogs known to man. We all remember the one where I blasted Chumps! How about this classic, even ripping off the title from a line in Star Wars, and without his advice, would the Pacers be 2-1 in our last three games. More on this in a moment.

So, where was I?? Oh yeah!! Christmas. Well, everything certainly went well. As previously mentioned, I spent a bit of money and I find myself forced to live on $80 till next Friday. Yep, its going to be tight, especially with New Years coming up. Looks like I'm going to have to do a bit of pregaming before I go out that night. Or, just line my pockets with cans of Blatz. Anywho, so Christmas. It was nice to see Cory, his girlfriend Josalyn, my sister Katie, and her beloved chocolate lab Camy as they all came from Michigan for the holiday. I took full advantage of my having Friday off and completed my Christmas shopping, only stopping to have dinner with my father at the Spaghetti Warehouse while awaiting Cregg family arrival on Christmas Day due to having to work on Christmas Eve like a bunch of suckers. For those of you keeping score at home I had the chicken marsala, with merlot. That's wine!! I'm 5'11"!! Hee hee hee.

Moving on, Saturday was spent at home as Extended Cregg Family Christmas was held on Sunday. I did pretty well gift wise with my father, brother, and sister knowing what Toasts like. I got a few gift cards for the most fanciest of clothing retailers, Ren and Stimpy box set DVD, the extended version of Return of the King (which I cannot wait to watch), a sweater, a few dress shirts for the 9-5 businessman Toast and a hooded sweatshirt from the bar that my brother tends out in Michigan. Saturday was also the time to eat the first of what would be two consecutive turkey dinners which promptly knocked me out. Eating normal meals, no thank you; more wine and heavy gravy, Yes Please!! Afterwards I meet Mags for a few beers at the Blarney and the patented gift exchange. Hey, how bout that, I got America the Book, Singing for Dummies (the Toast cannot sing so well, you all know this), and an Atari Joystick that I plug into the T.V. to play a numbered selection of games, ranging from Pong to Asteroids all the way to Breakout and Centipede . Yay!!!! Quick side note, it took me over an hour to find my phillips head screwdriver just so I could play it. Tremendous dang it right there. Somehow, Toastedblog audience is not surprised by this. Damn you Phillips head!!! Sunday finds the Toast driving to Uncle Martin's house in Skaneateles for dinner and family time. Uncle Marty is very well to do, President of Chase Design and of the Skaneateles Polo Club, and dinner was held at his newly constructed superhome so it made for interesting conversation betwixt family members. I just sat with my Grandfather, Uncle Bob, Uncle Joe, and cousin Kerry and watched the Giants blow a fourth quarter lead to the Bengals. I conveniently stationed myself near the cheese and cracker tray and the shrimp cocktail. Good times, good times. Plus I had beer!!!

Now, for what really got my motor running over the weekend. Sunday night brought out the boys for an evening at the Change of Pace, complete with door prizes (I got an Old Style Coat with the name "Margie" inscribed on the chest that is a few sizes too small so it makes for the highest in high comedy), classic over-door prize with wings from Duffs, three point stances, bartenders getting angry at the Toast for trying to take Jitter out (just like I would have if Chumps were there and we did Oklahoma drills), fine holiday spirit, Jagermeister, surprise visit from MacGuyver Chuck and Leslie, bonus surprise visit from Chester and Jaime, super bonus surprise visit from Team Bo Hall Jaime, and everyone's favorite, Drunken Toastie. Needless to say it was a Festivus Miracle that got Uncle Jitter, Javen, and TT in town for the evening, but it was great to spend the holidays with some really great people, hang out and have a few beers, even if it was for just a little while. I hope you all liked your door prizes. Danny, we'll get you and Phelps soon. Especially Chumps!!

We interrupt this Toastedblog entry to bring you some late breaking footage. Syracuse University Head Football Coach Paul Pasqualoni has just been let go. Finally after over a decade of slowly, then rapidly driving the football program into the ground, something has been done. However, it will be difficult to replicate the success they had with such stars as Troy Nunes, R.J. Anderson, and Madei Williams (please note sarcasm, the statement depends on it). Oh....Toastie gettin' very upset.

Finally, here's some news that you've been waiting all day for. The Change O' Pacers are on a roll of late playing awfully well. We defeated a bunch of no talent hacks from the bar Chadwicks; a Steelers and Yankees bar here in Syracuse. Throw in the Bulls and you can't get any more bandwagon than that. Chadwicks is a team full of pricks and wigger punks who think they're shit don't stink and try to be flashy. Instead, they are just a few chubby assholes, one nice tall dude, and some shaved head piece of shit with a chinstrap beard that has tried messin' with the Toast on two separate occasions, only to get his comeuppance. What you trying to do esse', don't you know I'm loco!?!? Last time we played, Toolbox here stopped right in front of me at the foul line as I was running full speed just to block me from pursuing his teammate thus allowing him to dunk on an undefended net as time expired. This was while they were winning by 25 or so. Last night Toolbox tried something cheap again and the Toast, remembering who he was, wasn't going to let it slide. While trying to gain position on me for a rebound he tried to hook one of his arms under mine while getting low and trying to drive me away from the basket as he pushed up into me, almost like jumping out of a squat thrust right into my torso. Well, I know my limits when it comes to taking cheap shots, any of you who have really seen me play hockey or rugby know this for sure. My limit is, you have one that you can get away with, after that, it's your ass. So, as Toolbox was trying something he was sure was cheap and would work, I hooked my right arm around his at the elbow, threw my hip around low while I swung my right arm across my body, propelling him over my hip and dropping hard on this back and side. Dang it indeed! To get to the game, Willie Moe was shooting lights out, dropping about 27 points. Dino, our point guard who works with my father scored 23 points as they were both shooting rather well from beyond the three point line. My father added some key rebounds and Jaime Young, a kid with whom I went to College with and I recently ran into again, scored about 5 pts and also helped with some big boards as our inside presence. Billy came out with a Josh Pace type of game scoring 8 pts and having some nice passes and good work inside near the basket. Now we come to the player who has captured all of your hearts with his electrifying play and poor free throw shooting, that's right, the Toast chipped in on the offensive side as well missing his three shots that were taken. I did find myself at the free throw line for a few shots, going 1-4 down the stretch and icing the game for the Pacers with 14 seconds left not to mention a bunch of nice steals and rebounds. Final score, 63-58. Jitter, you win a chicken wing pizza for the Toast hitting one free throw. See Willie Moe Pena to collect your prize. Good times, good times.

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

I just wanted to take a minute out of my extremely busy work schedule (I just got done writing an email to Little Crapper Charlie Coville) and send out a nice Merry Christmas to all of my beloved toastedblog fans. I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday. Enjoy time spent with your families, eat a lot of food, watch some quality T.V., push around any chumps that you may encounter, build a raft that is sea worthy, launch kittens with a water balloon sling shot, and most importantly spoil your friend Toastie with tons of door prizes and shower him with spectacular gifts. Don't worry, I won't mind.

To all you boys zooming into town for a classic over-wing night at the Change of Pace, be safe driving here because not one of you will leave alive. So, in closing Merry Christmas: Big Baby Jitters, Jables and TT, Willie Moe and lady friend Jaime, Billy Shannon and Rage Cage, Danny Banazek, Charlie Coville and Yankee Fan Mary (don't forget to say hi to the Prep and Hot Ta-Molly), Chukes and Timmy, Mags (didn't think I was going to leave you out), Chump Phelps, Bo Hall Jaime and 15, Beach Justice, MacGuyver Chuck, Badass and Brownie Moe, my family (I guess), Funford, Army Matt and Shannon, Kenners, Calhoun, TW, Casey-dilla making Ma Jitters and Bill Jitters, Princess Daley, wife Amy, and Little Nick Daley, the Change of Pace, Blarney Stone Rachel, Wreckin Ball and B-Rad, the Treadwells and J. ( I hope you're doing well), Tucker and Reyn, Kyle, rugby boys, Miss Tami Zimmerman, K- Dog Davis, and everyone else that I know!! Even some that I don't. Have a wonderful and safe holiday and the Toast will see you soon.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Oh my god....Its Everywhere....It's even in my Raccoon Wounds!!

Today's Toastedblog title comes straight to us from Army Matt, one of the guys on my rugby team. (the guy in yellow jersey putting the headlock on, over the top a tackled Toast) You see, Matt went down with me to Giants Stadium on Saturday to watch the Giants take on the Steelers. A rather large American from just outside Harrisburg, PA, Army Matt grew up a Steelers fan, so there was definitely a lot to discuss on our way down to the Meadowlands in New Jersey; including Family Guy quotes. (See Toastedblog Title) You Change O' Pacers know Matt as one of our "Big Men" inside. Anywho, we went down early on Saturday morning to see what Eli had to offer. Army Matt was decked to the nines in Steeler garb. The Toast, you knew what he had up his sleeve, SHOCK-EY!!! I got to see him catch a touchdown live. That's livin' right there my friends. L-I-V-I-N! For a good portion of the afternoon it looked like the Giants had a good shot of winning. Giants, beating the 11-1 Steelers. What?? I started to get a drunken chant going to rattle the young Steelers quarterback: "HEY STEELERS, HOW'S YOUR BURGER??!! (Chant deliberately taken from line in Dumb and Dumber) Apparently their burger was damn tasty because he threw for 316 yards and Antwon Randle El apparently cannot be covered, at all. But what was more important, the future of the Giants franchise looked like a NFL equivalent quarterback, he didn't look shell shocked out there. Manning was making reads, making good throws, running when he needed, and managing the game quite well. For a while, he had a 137 quarterback rating as he was 12 of 16 for 137 yards and 2 touchdowns. He ended up throwing for 187, 2 touchdowns, and a pick that wasn't his fault as Toomer's feet got caught up with the cornerback and he fell, giving the defense an unchallenged interception (an inner for you Pats Pub fans). Hopefully this was the game where the NFL started to make sense to him. I must say, at first, the Giants decision to not sign Kerry Collins to a new deal and instead draft Eli Manning did not make for a lovable Toast. I anything, I resented the fact that the Giants got rid of a quarterback with so much to offer in the unintentional comedy scale. I mean, Kerry was a alcoholic racist at one time in his career, an alcoholic racist that fumbles the ball a lot. How do you throw that away? But Eli has grown on my more and more as the season has gone on and I found myself really pulling for him the last few weeks. Now, I consider myself a real supporter of young Eli. Is there room in the closet for another jersey, besides Shockey and the piece de' resistance, a disfigured Charlie Batch jersey. I think that there might be. Now Eli just needs a chant for Giants fans to get into, just like Shockey has. SHOCK-EY!!!! Shockey indeed. Even though the Giants lost, the game was awful enjoyable. I had the ultimate goal of trying to head out to Schenectady to see Tommy O'Connor and Reyn who were visiting Javen for his birthday from Boston and let me tell you it would have been great to get out there. But I was wiped after the early morning drive down to NYC, then enjoying the game the only way I know how, with plenty a beers. Top that afternoon off with leaving the stadium at 6pm and not getting home till 10pm, it just wasn't going to work. I instead spent the evening watching Lord of the Rings, the Return of the King, eating a grilled ham and cheese sandwich, and enjoying more than my fair share of sodas. Throw in a viewing of Dodgeball afterwards and I was up until 4am watching movies. I haven't had a Saturday night like that since High School. Alchohol has been a major influence on my weekends since then.

The Toast followed Saturday up with what had to be one of the more fun nights I have had in recent memory. On Sunday I headed over to the Change of Pace to meet up with Billy, Chumps, and Rage Kage for some friendly banter and chicken wings while full on enjoying the Indianapolis v. Baltimore game. However, this trip to one of the greatest places on earth came complete with a rendezvous with Big Marky Badass and his brother Streamlined Badass. (You can call him Drew if you like, Streamlined Badass is a more rugged and handsome version of BA) We spent the rest of the evening reliving stories from random adventures, talking about what we do now, Europe craziness, and beautiful drunk talk. He is going to be in Syracuse for a few weeks so there will be some updates on what the haps are. For example, we have been informed that Moe and Mags may be planning a night out with us where the four of us go to dinner, the ladies can discuss womanly things while Badass and I will go through a good amount of drinks and talk finance, or something else that sophisticated men discuss, like routes to the office. We definitely won't bring up Gary Busey film festivals, goofy humor with LeMoyne Physical Plant Employers, poop stories, or nights on Lancaster Ave. By the way, he remembers the night that Javen, Willie Moe and myself performed a drunken rendition of "House on Pooh Corner" and drove away party guests, just in case anyone was wondering. Good times, good times.

What else has been going on, I forgot that it has almost been a week since I helped you out toastedblog fans. Well, for starters, Team Bo Hall has been on a tear lately with another first place finish for Clarkes Trivia, and we did this one without the Prime Supporter of all sports, no matter which ones they may be, wicked awesome teammate Jaime. Despite our best efforts to not do well, we lucked into victory. Oh, and go back one day to last Tuesday, the Change O' Pacers are in the win column. The Toast erupted for 18 points. They call me layup cause the kid's automatic, if automatic means you miss a good portion of makeable shots. Jitter would have been proud of the Pacers on that day my toastedblog pals. You should heve seen me running the court buddy, hair flowing complete with headband and high socks, smiling big and talking smack. With your help, they can only hope to contain me.

Now, to confuse my audience a little more, we go to Thursday night where the Toast plays in his first hockey game of the season. My team, we're not great and I found out the we are called the Underdogs. Well, we didn't play like it on Thursday holding the lead for the majority of the game, only to lose 7-5 to what I hear was supposed to be the best team in the league. I wasn't that impressed with them. Well, Toast didn't do too poorly scoring a goal and setting up another, but I found that for most the of the game I was trying to regain my skating legs as well as my stickhandling skills seeing as this was my first game since last March. I have another game tomorrow and I follow that up with one next Tuesday as well. I figure by then I will have a good idea of what I am doing out there again and will be able to wow my teammates by showing them how Toast's play. Good news is that I didn't not get a penalty for really putting a shoulder into some guy and taking him out. Maybe they are being more lenient on allowing checking. That makes me happy, cause the Toast doesn't believe in poke checking. What also puts a little hop in my step is that my brother will be in town that week and he is bringing his goalie equipment with him so he can skate with my team next Tuesday. All are invited to see two Cregg's tackle the 19 and over Men's hockey league in Cicero. Refreshments shall be provided as this rink comes complete with a bar, who gives us free pitchers following our games. YES!!! Game 2 is tomorrow night.

Time to get out your Checkbook and Pay Grandma for the Rubdown!!

How you feelin' Toastedblog fans??!! We're all fired up here and nothing's gonna stop us now!! Why are things so kick ass and awesome, especially seeing as how I am currently at work?? Three words combined into one, a menage a trois of hot bloggin' (Usually you gotta pay extra for that kind of action), or ClassicOverblog. Billy, you have certainly outdone yourself. That is all I will give Toasted fans on that subject, not sure if I can talk more about it yet. Damn, its wiped me out already and I've known about it for only a few hours.

But I'm still fired up, and for more reasons than some simple Shannon creation. The countdown has begun and its T minus......uh......ten days.....no......well, I'm not really sure of the T minus thing but our Uncle Jitter plans to be joining all of his favorite almost kin for a couple of days of classic over-grease, classic over-strohs, and classic under-dang its as he returns to the States come Christmas time. Not sure entirely when we shall be getting together and for how long but a short rendezvous in Buffalo is currently in the works (bars are open till 4 am) and how could we miss what should be our annual COP Christmas Party. Chicken wings, door prizes, You Feelin' Me varsity jackets, cheap beers, ineveitable bloating, possible vomiting, Scooter sightings, and some truly great and burly friends, now that's a real Festivus Miracle. I am so excited that I can barely contain myself. Currently, I am in the works to get the Monday following Christmas off to fully enjoy the holiday season and the only way I know how to really celebrate this includes a spirited bout with everyone's favorite game, Pizza Box. So, lets face it, I'm going to need a day off to regain my strength.

In other news, that same week we have Jitter coming to America (Let's hear it for my band, Sexual Chocolate; ain't they so fine?), the Toast could also see some classic over-Cregg's. Word on the proverbial street is that big sister Katie (with bonus Camy footage) is heading to NY for a week plus stay and younger, but much larger brother Cory may also be on his way as well. Another Festivus Miracle!!! You know what that means; Drunken Cregg Snow Wrestling. This time I will pay attention to Jitter for the potential tag. What we need know is Javen to don a jacket with a rhinestone keyboard on the shoulders so he can play "Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart; Will, you can be Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake. Billy, I see you as the Tatanka.

The Change O' Pacers have a huge matchup against a team of firefighters tonight. I have asked a friend of mine from college to join in on the fun and hopefully with his 6'5" frame we'll be able to have an inside presence and I can stop getting dunked on. True I'm only 5'11" and I'm awful fierce but the Toast can't stop dudes with 7 inches of height on him. I follow up tonight's basketball game with a hockey game at 10 pm. I am going to be wiped out, and I was sick all weekend. Don't worry Toastedblog fans, I'll let you know how they turned out.

Well, Mr. White Chocolates can always be reached at my baby's Mommas house.

Good afternoon toasted blog enthusiasts. While I appreciate y'all gaining insight on the relm of the Toast, let me first explain how today's entry came to be. Last night I joined a few loveable characters down at Clark's Ale House for a spirited round of trivia and needless to say, Team Bo Hall didn't disapoint. We finished in a three way tie for first and spent our third place winnings from our last trip rather well through multiple beer purchases. Mmmmm...Hoptoberfest and Screamers. Anywho, to get to the point, the final question that Bo Hall encountered had to do with naming People magazine's sexist man of the year from the past 10 years. Now, if we had Javen amongst us, there would be no share of the top prize; but unfortunately we had to make do without him and we ended up getting 7 out of the 10. So, here we are (Team Bo Hall is: Billy, Rage Kage or Kathy to the layman, Jaime, Willie Moe, yours truly, and our two newest prospectives Tami and Elaine) and there has been a fair amount of drinking that has been involved. Conversations of listing our own personal top ten celebrities that we would want to sleep with are being tossed around and this is where we get to todays entry that is written especially for Jaime. Next, on a very special toastedblog, Toastie's top ten MILF's.

We begin the countdown at number ten and she's no slouch. Toasted Fans, I give you, Julianne Moore. Man, I love those redheads. She was Maude Lebowski, and she may be on this list for the following exchange alone:

Maude Lebowski: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: 'Scuse me?
Maude Lebowski: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
The Dude: I was talking about my rug.
Maude Lebowski: You're not interested in sex?
The Dude: You mean coitus?

Moving on, we have a pair of fightin' mommas at 9 and 8 that Toast finds awful attractive. Coming in at number 9 is Uma Thurman. Kinda tall at 6 feet but I'm 5'11" so I think we could make it work. Plus she could use some comforting after taking out the Deadly Viper Assasination Squad. Number 8 brings us Carrie-Anne Moss, or for you Sci-Fi geeks, Trinity from the Matrix Trilogy. Something about a lady in black vinyl kickin' ass and takin' names. Woah (say it like Keanu).

Number 7. 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office. Sorry, getting carried away with movie quotes. Stupid Something About Mary affecting my thought process. Anyway, at Number 7 we have Diane Lane. Watch Unfaithful and you'll understand why.

At number 6 we have a momma that supports the cellular phone era and looks good doing so, none other than Catherine Zeta Jones herself. Not much to explain with this one. She's just incredible looking.

Stacy Carosi, Carrie Heffernan, Vince Vaughn's wife in Old School; do any of these names sound familiar?? Well, if so you know that at number 5 we have Leah Remini and you also know that she's hot, and funny to boot. Now that is just something that you can't leave off this list.

All the way down to number 4 already and in now way is this blog affecting my work production. So without further adeiu, Angelina Jolie. I'm officially speechless.

Number 3 gives us the only non baby's momma on the list, but she plays one on t.v. so it counts. Certain days after work at the gym, a couple of ladies on the treadmills watch the Gilmore Girls while they walk and chat. That is when my interest in the show first started, because of Lorelai, or in the real world, Lauren Graham. I don't know if its the sparkling personality, the witty sense of humor, the awful big words she uses, or that fact that she's wicked attractive. In any event, it was difficult to place her on the toastedblog list at number 3.

We're down to the final two and both have blessed the content of toastedblog on repeated occasions, and damn they're fine. You all should think so too. THINK IT!!! To finally finish this mutha off, lets get to number 2, hee hee hee. Sorry. At number 2, we have Kate Beckinsale. Oh my, she's easy on the eyes. You may remember past toastedblogs, such as the last one, where the Toast questions Ben Affleck and mentions his fondness for hot English Actresses named Kate. And I looked into it, she has been knocked up. Dang!!!

You've suffered through this list long enough and hopefully I didn't lose any readers with this one. But Toasts have to do what are asked of them so we come to the conclusion of Toastedblog's Top Ten Hottest MILF's. This one is no surprise to me but may be to some. She's musically talented and baby crazy, well maybe not baby crazy but she is baby's momma and the Toast is nuts for her, which is pretty much gravy. All confusion on that last statement should be directed to Carl Spackler of Caddyshack. I'm getting away from the topic. Toastedblog's Nunber 1 is none other than Liz Phair. Toast has always been a big fan of her music and hotness, now I am finally displaying it on the internet. Thank god!! Well, that's it. Can the flu be the scapegoat for shotty writting and bad humor?? Its going to be. However, some good has come out of all of this, my newfound addiction to Halls Cough Drops. Its the mentholyptus that makes 'em good. Drive safe everybody.

Nobody snuggles with Max Power; you strap yourself in and feel the "G"s!!

The cute, lovable, and cuddly toast that my internet audience all know and love is dead!! Well at least for tonight; or is it tomorrow night. Hmmm.........I think I forgot. Anywho, my point is that I have to be tough again. Why you ask toasted fans, because I start playing hockey again this week bitches!!! Sorry, I didn't mean to call you that, Wooo!!!! I'm tough! Roses have thorns ay.

But Toast, you're only starting to play hockey tonight, this late in the winter? Why is that?? You've been going on for months on how you have been all excited to play any day now and we, the toasted blog audience have to read this crap about you just starting now. What gives?? Are you calling me a chump?? Its not my fault that I have had to wait this long. (Quick sidenote; am I having a conversation with myself) You see, I used to play on the same team the last few years with this dude I skated with in high school. Now, a problem has risen. I don't remember how to get in touch with him, and vice versa. Now, I was told by toasted Dad that he had run into a guy I used to play in a club hockey league with back in high school years as well and apparently my game play left some sort of impression on him because he asked if I was still playing. To which my father replied, Uh...yeah. So this guy, lets call him Chris, asked me to be on his men's league team starting in the fall, round October. Problem number two. He never gets back in touch with me. I track him down repeatedly only never to get a call back. This happens over the course of November, from end of rugby season all the way through Thanksgiving. I am once again without a team.

A stroke of genius!!! Now, I know what toasted fans are saying, that's impossible with you Toast. You're as sharp as child proof scissors. Any other time, you'd all be right. But when it comes to devising a plan to play hockey, then the idea supply becomes well stocked my friends. Tired of waiting, I called up as many places I could think of for adult hockey league information. I called the only hockey pro shop in Syracuse, the rinks I used to play men's leagues in Cicero, I even called where I played youth hockey. I finally hear back from the Twin Rinks in Cicero the same night Billy, Rage Kage, and myself attended Grandma Stack's calling hours. Who is my special helper in all this?? Why, its Art. The night manager from Cicero. He informs me that there are one or two teams in the league that need some players. At this point, I am full on delicious pizza from some place called Trappers (resident pizza connoisseur Rage Kage gives stamp of approval but also informs us that it does not surpass C.O.P.), had a few beers and traveling towards more. Art has my information and will get in touch when he has a team lined up for me. Good news there. More good news, we are on the way to the Change of Pace to meet Javen and have more beers at this point. Terrific!!!

Fast forward to last night. While doing laundry and thinking about chicken wings, I contacted everyone's favorite little crapper Charlie Coville at about 8:30 to head down to the Blarney. While there enjoying a few Molson's, I was called by some fella named Scott. The reason, his team's need for a forward. The answer, I'll be there ready to play. Except I have to call him back now because I don't remember which night it was. In any event, my long journey for some winter activity has come to an end. Also, all you local toasted fans in need of getting your ice hockey fix. Where I play comes complete with an elevated bar to watch games on both rinks so, in other words, I look forward to your drunken heckling. Just remember my shot isn't so accurate so I'd keep comments low while I have the puck or you may find it being fired in your direction and hitting you in the FACE!! No seriously, hockey is awesome!!! Come watch!!

More current events toastedblog fans. Today marks the 63rd anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. No, not the movie. What a bunch of crap that was by the way. Why doesn't Ben Affleck die?? And how the hell did he pull in Kate Beckinsale?? Ohh....I like her. But I digress, the History Major in me sees more in today than the reminder of a crappy movie with cool special effects. My Grandfather was a Gunnery Officer on a destroyer stationed in the Pacific in WWII and knowing my love of history has often told me stories at family gatherings of his experiences in the war. Fortunately he was not present during the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor. To be witness to that must have been awful. Sorry for the negative turn of events here, just paying some respects, I'm done for now.

Baseball is played on a diamond, or in a park, the baseball park. Football is played on the gridiron or a stadium. War Memorial Stadium. Has Toast gone mad??? No, don't be crazy. I'm just getting all amped up to go see George Carlin at the Landmark Theatre on Saturday. Been a fan for quite some time. Now I get to see him live. I like this idea, and I am definitely excited to be a part of it. Oohh, maybe I'll get to go to Clarke's before hand. Mmmmm...roast beef and screamers. Or a bunch of Druid Fluid like on Friday, Javen knows what I'm talking about. It's not even Canadian beer and it drinks like moonshine!! Hell Yes!! Well, its something to think about. Till then toasted fans, I'm out!!

He's the BEST......And the Worst.

Big Marky Badass shall be joining us shortly. Ok, so what does that mean to our toastedblog audience?? What the hell is a Big Marky Badass?? Does it float in water?? Kind of. Can you eat it?? You're sick!! Will it help me balance my checkbook??? Maybe? Here, let me explain. Matt, or Badass as he is remembered as in college, is coming home on Dec. 14th for a little over a month. He is a member of Americorp and has spent the last few years over in Europe, namely Ireland and Paris, France. Not bad for this former touring beer pong champion. (Willie Moe and B.A. are never allowed to be on the same team ever!!)

Badass and I went to college together and were housemates my senior year. As a few of my friends are a year or two older than me (some even more, Owww!!!) I am one year older than B.A. I met him the summer right after my sophomore year at LeMoyne as we both worked together amongst a few others for the college's building and grounds crew; however, he insists that we met at the beginning of the year outside his dorm as I was stumbling back from a bar one night and asked him for a cigarette as I was walking back to my room, I don't remember it at all but that can be said about a lot of things.

Now, the Toast has met a whole bunch of people throughout his 25 years but few are as cool and doofy as Badass. Working together we became fast friends, each taking our goofiness to new heights as we would compliment each other with jokes, stupid comments, and outrageous actions. For example, a bevy of hot young coeds worked in the registrar office that summer and B.A. and I decided that the only conceivable way to get there attention was to create a giant flag that read "We love Registrar Girls" and hang it off the back of our school owned truck. But wait, there's more. We put a blow up sex doll in our boss' truck one day at work and we even created a song about handcarts (dollys) while waiting to unload a tractor trailer full of the heaviest couches imaginable, to which our boss Mike replied: "You two are a couple of fuckin' idiots." Don't get Mike wrong though, he really liked our hijinks. Here's a little taste of "Handcart Love", sung to the beat of "Every Little Thing she does is Magic" by the Police.

Every little curve she has is magic;
the little black wheels they turn me on.
You could say that handcart love is tragic,
but my devotion carries on.....

You say her weight capacity is ample;
she moves furniture with ease.
Saves my back from labor.
My little silver tease.

We're not finished yet. Aside from work craziness, Badass and I also created the dance craze that's sweeping the nation, that of course would be the calculator. Envision if you will other hot dance moves like the shopping cart, or the water sprinkler. Well, the calculator follows a similar mode, but we added a HOT twist that cannot be shared over the internet. This kind of dancing requires first hand experience. You can't just read up on something this awesome. When he's in town, we'll demonstrate for all those who want to learn.

Badass was an individual that would do anything and it wouldn't surprise you. Knowing the value of the all mighty buck, he was frequent visitor to the LeMoyne Mart, that run down ghetto store near campus that sold old merch. and delivered beer to campus. I once saw him purchase what had to be about a 7 year old can of refried beans and eat them right out of said can. Three days later, I witnessed him do the same thing with a can of pickled herring. Still more thriftiness to be had, he put seventeen dollars worth of pennies into a stamp machine because he knew it would dispense Sacajawea coin dollars when you hit the change return button. He must have been there for at least an hour putting pennies in there. The reason for this exercise, the purchase of Coqui 40's.

As a joke while in school, we created hundreds of fliers and plastered them all over campus. What was this for, Gary Busey Week, why wouldn't it be? This hoax saw the creation of a film festival to honor one of the "greatest actors of all time". Everywhere you looked, you saw signs for Gary Busey Week. The slogan: "All Hot Films, All Gary Busey". This festival was to feature such Busey hits as: Rookie of the Year, Lethal Weapon, Surviving the Game (movie where he hunts Ice Cube in the forest), Under Siege, and Black Sheep. The Buse is loose indeed!!

So, for about a month this fella is going to be in town. I haven't seen B.A. in over a year and I am looking forward to his visit. True, I'm sure that he is going to want to spend a lot of time with his family, but what do you think I am after all of this. I did get to go to his family clambake weekend in the Adirondaks a few years ago. The Greiner family reunion. It was just a drink fest, complete with a horseshoe tourney, crab legs, and a parade of his drunken costumed family members on day 3. The year I went, the theme was Amish. I hear last years was Pirates. Now some of you may have met Badass, some have no idea on who the hell I am talking about. I know at least Jables and Willie Moe remember the B.A. Think back if you will to a summer night outside his town house the year we lived on Lancaster. Do you boys recall driving his friends away as we sat around outside all hammered and sang "The House on Pooh Corner". How were ladies not all over us that night? Chuck, remember when B.A. and Sean almost got in a fight while we were watching the G.I. Joe Movie. Good times. What I am gettting at here toastedblog fans is, when Badass comes home. Let's show him a hell of a time!!

In closing, we'd like to give a special toastedblog thanks to Billy Shannon and Willie Moe Emerson for Robert Goulet skit stuck in the Toast's head. Without the never ending hilarious quoting I wouldn't be able to keep going Gooo-lay (Goulet) throughout my work afternoon and have my fellow officemates look at me like I am a retard. Really, thanks a lot guys. Top Notch, Top Notch!!

Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the winnebago.

TOASTEDBLOG RETURNS!!! And there was much rejoicing. yay.... I said MUCH REJOICING!! YAY!!! There it is!! I don't think that I have ever seen so many exclamation points. Spaceballs was on T.V. the other day. Dammit.....I'm retarded.

Anywho, what's up?? Well, things haven't been crazy here but some new shit has come to light. For example; did you know that the Toast went to Albany for the weekend?? Oh wait, you did, I forgot that I mentioned that I was going. Well, I saw Javen and Midwestern friend Danny "No Nickname" Banazek; what do you think about that?? Huh? My audience knows this too?!?! You think you run a tight ship around here and look at this. Someone get my assistant on the horn so we can get this blog done right.

ring...ring....ring

O.G. Pennyloaf: "Hello sir, what seems to be the problem?"

Casey (Toast/Me): "What the $%&# is going on Pennyloaf?? I don't care what your name stands for, fix this ?%$& right now?

O.G. Pennyloaf: "Yes sir, right away sir."

That's why he's an original gangster. He take care of all my bidness!! I'm afraid that I may have de-railed yet again and gotten all rambly and nonsensical. True, I am not 100% sure that a few of those were even words, but they sound smart, and that's what the Toast is all about; pretending. WHAT?!?! No! Ok, its time to take this blog over.

Well, a few nice days off from work and I forget everything about what got toastedblog to the top. Good, old fashioned, kickin' ass!! Or at least some incoherant ramblings. I really wish I could erase all of this but I've come too far. Here we go!!

The Toast had a nice few days off and is much better for it. For example, there was no coming into the office on Thursday or Friday, instead there was being hungover from late Wednesday night out to the Blarney Stone and Mully's with Chukes and friends, mass turkey eating, laying in jammy jams, and playing video games while eating man sized leftovers. Friday night involved the driving to Schenectady complete with Pabst and Magnum (with which Danny found a clever way to include a Tom Selleck reference), hilarity with Willie Moe (and Super Troopers lines) and never sleeping. Albany proved to be a hotbed of activity with delicious 99 cent burgers at Cheers (and Chicken Sampler apps, even though there were wings to be split), beautiful Pepsi Arena, and cheap college apparel. The state capital is a wonderful place. Plus Javen and Dunford were there!!

Schenectady, on the other hand, had its ups and downs. I'm not calling out the town where Javen is proud to call home, but there is a certain establishment that left a sour taste in our mouths. We were assured by our gracious host that BL's was never as poor as what we found on Saturday night and it was highly possible that it would never be again. And I was the one who wasn't arguing with the bartender, even though Javen, Danny, and Sweet Will were correct in doing so. The situation that fateful Saturday night at BL's deserves its own blog. Maybe a joint write up betwixt the group that was there. It was one of the most bizarre bar moments I have ever experienced, besides getting thrown up on as a I was sitting down at a bar in college, or leaning on a cop while awaiting a drunken entry to some bar while seeing Cracker in Boston (and I still got in). Getting thrown out for being well behaved at 10 pm on a Saturday, weird. What was even better, the drive back to Syracuse at 2 am to make sure Danny would be able to make it back to Chigago in time for the Simpsons on Sunday, which was a repeat!!! Just kidding buddy, I didn't mind.

We fast forward to Tuesday because Sunday doesn't count following a Giants loss (although I was accompanied to a movie; I saw National Treasure; I don't care what you say, the Toast is a fan of Nic Cage). Now I feel I must explain that last statement. True, Nicholas Cage movies aren't going to change the world, I mean, did you see Snake Eyes?? Well, I take that back, he was in Adaptation which was pretty damn good. So was Leaving Las Vegas and Bringing Out the Dead wasn't bad. I was referring to movies that he does with Jerry Bruckheimer like The Rock or Con Air. That was what National Treasure was basically, a fun movie to watch but not one to be taken seriously otherwise your head a splode from trying to figure out why it was so easy to steal the Declaration of Independence. I liked it. Anyway, I was fast forwarding.

Ty Willingham was fired?!?! I hate what sports are becoming. Its all what have you done for me lately. Win now!! Alumni and boosters forget that Notre Dame has killer schedule every year and that they don't recruit kids like they used to; they all go to the U. So guys like Willingham, who has been successful with the Irish (except for last year when he was 5-7) or Tom Osborne with Nebraska, who went 8-3 and was fired after the season one year ago get fired for not being perfect year in and year out. Now look at Nebraska. Bill Callahan very well could get the axe after the year the Huskers had. Why was he in there, because 8-3 wasn't good enough?? This happens everywhere, coaches and players getting let go, fired, traded, benched just because they have an off game, or a bad season, or don't make the playoffs. I understand changes need to be made by ownership when things aren't going well, but give these individuals the opportunity to turn something around, rather than as soon as something going badly, you cut 'em loose.

Tuesday's also include going to the court to run. Run, you mean play basketball? Yup. The Change 'O Pacers lost another heart breaker last night, 98 to 46. Every game has the fans seeing an obviously frustrated toast playing ball. I think I may be too competitive when it comes to sports, which isn't a bad thing. I get so angry running around and losing playing basketball, sometimes I forget its for fun. Toastedblog audience, the reason I joined this team was for something to do while rugby was over and in between weekly hockey games. My friends and I put this team together knowing that we were going to lose, but just to have fun, and I do. But part of me really hates all the losing. I hate having the other team look at us as a bunch of chumps, like we're no good. For me, it just feels degrating. Am I too proud? Never!! Trust me, if you have ever seen me play hockey, football, basketball, rugby, anything, you would see that I can never be cocky. I have been and always will be a hustle guy; a hard worker who relies more on effort than talent. But I feel that myself, and the rest of the Change 'O Pacers are better than getting blown out weekly by 50 plus. I'm even the same when it comes to playing video games with little Charlie Coville, I get pissed when I lose. Oh well, I guess its better than not caring at all. Plus, I got this sent to me to laugh about, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

Well, we're halfway through the week now and I'm at work. I have no idea how to end this so I shall take a small bow.

"A Motley Crue lunchbox filled with sticky buns!!"

Well seeing as how the Christmas shopping season hits full swing on Friday, perhaps this toasted blog should be all about what I may want and/or need for the holidays this year. For example, do I need a see through jump suit that fits me tight or a solid gold harley with machine guns on the front, probably not. Are they on a list of items desired this Christmas, uh....YEAH!! But there is no time to discuss this now. There is big news here in the relm of the toast, so big I can barely move.

Old housemate, central time zone drunk, and former second hottest member of the 2003 New Media class (according to loveable Japanese Metalheads) Dan Banazek his heading back to this part of the country for a few days to see his "family" But if you thought that was good, it gets even better. Danny, Willie Moe, and myself instinctively flocking east like the salmon of Capistrano and we're going to end up in a little place I like to call, Javen's living room, or bedroom if we're lucky. That's right, we're going to Schenectady. Syracuse plays Siena in Albany and I have to see some McThunder action. Sweet McThunder, why must you graduate this year. Maybe you'll join the ranks of our Johnny Jitters and he can regale us with tales of an overseas Craiggers. I like the sound of that. In any event, I am pretty sure one of our party may die this weekend. It's usually like that. Take last road trip for example; what was that Reyn was throwing up in?? A Dodge Stratus. Ha haa ha haa!! Kills me everytime and I din't even remember who said it.

I'm not going to lie to you but this whole toastedblog entry was started a little late in the day and now I have to struggle to finish both my work and what really matters, letting the internet know of where I stand in my Wednesday afternoon. So, with that finally spit out, I can say, Happy Thanksgiving!!! Everyone stay safe and enjoy time with your families. Except for Phelps!!

Just kidding buddy, Happy Thanksgiving!!

He asked us: "Be you angels??" And we said: "Nay; We are but men. ROCK!"

Over the years I have noticed something very prominant about who I am and I have been in a neverending goofy grin mode my entire life because of it. But what is it?? What could effect Toast this way?? Is it the joy of helping others?? How about quenching the ever thirsting need for knowledge?? The love that you get from family?? Hmmm.....all of these are great answers and they are in my life but not what puts that hop in my step everyday. So Toast, what's going on here and where are you going with this?? Well, funny you should ask that because I was about to share. Nothing is more of a reverse dang it in this world......than being a dude.

Ok, before we get started here, let me first explain that this is nothing against you ladies, y'all are top notch!! So, just that we understand and are all on the same table, I am not taking anything away from you ladies. But honestly, being a dude, not bad times at all. Think about it, whether the reason is as simple as being able to open all of your own jars and ESPN or as complex as the ability to say things like: "wow, my balls sure do hurt" and not worrying about what other people think, being a guy has its advantages. Movie nudity is virtually always female, you know stuff about tanks, if you see a guy at the bar with the same shirt on you might just become buddies for life, underwear comes conviniently in three packs for $10, and most importantly, you get to jump up and slap stuff. I've never had my butt be a factor in job interviews (although in all honesty, my butt would get me the job and that big promotion) and outside of playing the game, a guy in a hockey mask never has tried to attack me. People don't really glance at my chest when they talk to me, I can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes, and if something mechanical doesn't work, fixing it is a snap because I get to bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. Weddings are easy for us for there is no need to hunt like crazy for the perfect dress due to the $75. tuxedo rental. Not to mention, bachelor parties womp on bridal showers. I think I may be rambling. This was all supposed to start as a tribute to some dudes I know, without giving their blogs shameless plugs like amatuer stripper websites on Howard Stern and I was going to talk about my weekend a little bit, instead I present the above passage. I have de-railed and I will now move on.

I know Dane Cook would appreciate this next story, well not so much a story but just a statement of a few collective facts from portions of my weekend. Friday night I went to a bar to watch the SU game. Knowing that I had to be up and on the road at 5:30 am I tried to make it an early night but beer has a way of getting a hold of me from time to time so I ended up with a nice happy beer buzz and home by 11:30 pm. Well, I think the number of Sam Adams' consumed by the Toast effected his ability to hear 5 am alarms because I didn't wake up till ten after six. I had the immediate I'm late feeling as I woke and then flew out the door and into my car and did 80 the entire way down through the back roads to Elmira and Corning. What was to be a 2 hour drive was completed in one hour and twenty two minutes and I arrived at my referee seminar three whole minutes early. Waking up late so I don't have time to stop for egg mcmuffins, no thank you, spending my entire Saturday down in fucking Corning in a classroom and skating while not playing any hockey, yes...please??? I also got some rugby playing in this weekend when I received a call at 10:30 on Sunday morning from my rugby teammate's Brad (aka Louganis due to his swimming background) and Schee (short for Scheemaker, his last name). We had a pick up game at 2 pm and played for a few hours. Great to be playing after a few weeks off. What wasn't great was taking an errant shot to the boys and forgetting to throw that area's protective gear in my gym bag. I think I threw up in my mouth after that incident and hopefully baby making is still possible cause I have a baseball team to field and coach in my adult years. We are currently accepting applications for assistant coach and team trainer. Please include references and head shots.

Ok, I am all over the place here. Word on the street is that Dan Banazek (shameless blog plug) is coming into town for turkey day. Does this mean that Toastie has a partner in crime for drive to Schenectady to see Javen, Fun-ford, and the Siena Saints as they take on Syracuse. I certainly hope so. Danny, think about all of the fast food possibilities that can be had on the way out. I think I remember driving past a Popeyes.....or was it Roy Rogers. In any event, they have Burger King's and I seem to recall you eating multiple whoppers as you slugged giant coffees on your lunch breaks late on Sunday afternoon, you know, before we all headed out to the Change Of Pace for delicious wingies and $1 drafts of Labatts. Ooh ooh, and drunk talk, sweet beautiful drunk talk. By the way, in case you don't check your email, they play at 1pm on Saturday and I shall wear all of my Craiggy McThunder gear. (he's so handsome, and awesome) Or at least purchase/manufacture some. Please return your wrist bands to their ROCK IT positions. Javen, I shall leave Friday, get the Schaefers ready!! And the popcorn balls. I'll bring the chicken wing pizza!! Owww!!!!

Today on Toastedblog, the part of Toastie will be played by Casey Cregg

Hello. Am I doing this right?? Well, unfortunately Toastie couldn't make it in today so he has entrusted his alter ego to fulfill some of his blogging duties. Can you believe this is the third entry of the week, AMAZING. Not much has happened to the Toast since the last time we caught up with him. Hell, that was only a day ago. What do you expect from le Toast, its the middle of the work week!! Anywho, I am not trying to get upset like my toasted counterpart (que the "I'm getting very upset" comments ala Toastie). Instead, I am killing some time as a portion of our database is down here at the office. That's right, I have a database; What of it??!! This was not how it was suppossed to go at all.

Well, big news here in toastedland. That is, bigger news than the Bo Hall team victory in Clarke's trivia last night (yeah, we got second place); which is huge in its own right. Seeing as how the greatest of holidays is almost upon us we are going to have a surprise visitor staying here. Well, actually two surprise visitors. That's right internet audience, Katie and that loveable chocolate lab named after the greatest power foward the NHL has ever seen are stopping by for some good time holiday cheer. If you all cannot remember who my sister is or what she looks like, let's re-live her embarrassment by plastering her picture and information on the world wide web. Hopefully, some of my friends will be around to help show her a wonderful time as she is as crazy and fun as Toastie is, without the clever nickname in the Portuguese spelling. How long is she going to be in town for?? Well, I'd like it to be for a good long while seeing as how I never took full advantage of hang out time when she used to live in PA and then, most recently, Binghampton. But now, like my younger brother, she has fled the Empire State in a move to Michigan which happened back in March. That led to a combined 28 plus hours in a moving van with my father as we had to drive her belongings to Grand Rapids back in the spring. Let me tell you, as you have no idea how awesome it is spending that much time in a large slow moving vehicle with just your father. There is only so much of that a man can take. Ok, I am getting off track.

So, Kate and Camy are coming in next Wednesday and I am pretty happy about this. You may remember from a previous toastedblog entry that my brother visited back at the end of the summer and that was great. But, I haven't seen my sister since the aforementioned Grand Rapids move and needless to say that I am looking forward to it. Kate and I were pretty close growing up and seeing as how we are Irish twins (we are 11 months apart) we are still. Not as close as we'd both like but the distance of half the country between us makes it difficult, not to forget our busy schedules. Katie is an animal nutritionist, basically a big animal vet. From what I gather, she travels to farms and checks out the livestock (mostly the moo cows) making sure they are getting the right feed and care. Camy travels with her. That must be great, your job consisting of driving on the farm roads in a pick up with your dog. I'd be rocking out to Pearl Jam while working as well. Hopefully she does too. Drive safe Kate and we'll see you in less than a week. Remember, Aunt Julie is my godmother so that means I get the majority of the turkey leftovers. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! (maniacal laugh)

Wicked Dang Its...They DO Exist!!

It has come to my attention that my attempt at friendliness may have backfired causing dang its aplenty. Exceptions were made to my comment of someone being described as "pretty cool". Let me first explain myself and if anger is still there, it will be allowed, wait, it will be demanded that I receive multiple kicks to the teeth. I was afraid that if I used the originally intended phrase "wicked cool", my many audience members would see "wicked" as meaning evil by nature and in practice or malicious instead of "wicked" being used to intensify how cool you actually are. For example: "Wow, this sandwich is wicked!!" Here, "wicked" as written and understood by me would mean that sure is a tasty sandwich. But my audience could picture a sandwich trying to cause physical harm or worse, try to take over the world. To make a long explanation just a little bit longer; "wicked cool" would equal very cool or as my pal Wooderson would say, alright, alright, alright. I'm afraid that I just didn't want to tarnish your image and I apologize for any confusion.

In other toastednews I must extend an apology to my Uncle Jitter. Last night in our basketball game against the mad pressing three point heaving team known simply as Latinos Unitedos (or something like that) we got killed and at no point did we adapt to their game by coming out with some of the basketball plays that you suggested. We did unleash our impotent offense through poor shooting instead of bottling up those bad basketball skills by, as you put, four cornering them to death ala Princeton. No frustration or hilarity ensued. Nor did we take our rather large American teammates hands and circle the ball handler in an attempt to block out defenders in your "ring-around-the-rosie" offense and we didn't even come close to pulling off the "ring-around-the-toastie". Jitter, there was no trust tree; no nest. There was Phelps though, catching every pass as if he were a powerful tight end out there. You should have seem him as the ball was guided in by his body and he cradled it like a newborn baby being delivered by this Chaotic Doctor who doubles as our resident chef. But can he make casey-dillas; Chump Phelps!! Anywho, Jitter I know that you rattled your brain coming up with something that can help our team achive the success we so richly deserve. Just wait till next week. When are you coming home next or has that yet to be planned??

I have been given the "tremendous" opportunity of taking an exciting drive this Saturday morning down to Corning, NY; AT 5:00 AM (DANG IT!!). Why Corning, why so early, why is the Toast doing this to his much needed pajama jammy jam time in his warm and snuggly bed (you might even refer to it as toasty, ha ha)?? Well, I have to renew my hockey referee certification and the only seminar that I could attend is down in Corning (near Elmira) at 7:30 AM. True, they had some of these referee seminars near toasted land but our rugby matches were always scheduled on Saturday so I was unable to attend. We're talking about 7 hours on the ice with a whistle and a very stylish striped shirt. I'm actually looking forward to it, just not the 5:00 am part. Any opportunity I have to make around $150+ a weekend just to watch/ref some hockey games plus spend some time at the rink is alright by me. Plus, I get to wear a helmet, WOOP DE WOOP!!

Finally, it was released that George Steinbrenner has met with Pedro Martinez in an attempt to sign the free agent pitcher. Obviously I want him to re-sign with the Sox but how are Yankee fans taking this. Are they excited about potentially getting one of the games great pitchers or are the still all "who's your daddy"? Isn't it considered illegal to go after players who are considered your rivals?? I mean, the Yankee organization and their entire fan base have hated this man for years, now they are just going to throw that away because the big Stein is getting him as a hired gun? I've analyzed this situation a few times now and I have finally come to a conclusion; I'd look good in a beret.

That's it, I'm out!!

Welcome to Chumpsville!

Paging Dr. Marcus C. Chumps (aka Phelps). So you think you know better than me Phelps?? Think the Eagles of the 80's were dominant against the Giants huh? What are your feelings on the Backstage Betty's (my fantasy league football team) or your opinion on me eating candy bars ? What would happen if you and I wrastled?? Oklahoma drills?? Doughnut eating contest?? Alright, I take the last one back.

Who here knows Phelps? Ok, I had to ask before I got into explaining a little bit about this Dr. Chaos who Toast is happy to call one of his friends....I think. Simply put, Phelps is a mass of man. Picture if you will, a refrigerator shaped gentleman with the face of Dave Matthews. He hails from Jersey, or at least now he does, and lives amongst us as he demolishes medical school; hence all of the doctor references. A man of many traits and a magnificent reindeer fleece, Phelps is a machine when it comes to suggesting pizza toppings, analyzing the blitzing Eagles defense, maintaining fairway accuracy in Golden Tee, demanding Arby's on road trips, and getting his friends roaring drunk with his vast knowledge of drinking games (Pizza Box!!!). I still haven't mentioned his ability to wow us in the kitchen with those cheesy bacon biscuit things he brings out for football watchin' Sundays; ooohhh.......they're good. With this kind of versatility being brought to the table, Phelps is definitely a dude's dude. He's even developed his own sandwich. I would kill for a McPhelps right now!!

Lately, Phelps and I have developed a funny hostility to our friendship. You know, lots of smack talk. I'll say something like the following (actual exchange took place): "Instead of giving you a thumbs up as I saw you drive by on the way to Pat's Pub, I seriously contemplated just flipping you off." Phelps will react with a giggling laugh and a "Damn you Toastie!" I'll call him Chumps or Chump Phelps, he'll make comments about his hatred of the Betty's and threaten my health. I'll try to start pushing him around and tackle him into the ground. Phelpsie will come back and toss me around like a small child. But its all good baby. We joke around and then he passes along much of his worldly knowledge to me, almost like a tutor or mentor. "Hey Toastie, this is how you curve the ball around obstacles and make sure to lighten up on those downhill putts" or "No Toastie, first its a nice, spread out layer of horseradish, then you top with mustard; now you know the correct way to take on a roast beef sandwich at Clarke's Ale House." He'll make sure you know to listen to "The Weight", hit on waitresses on road trips to Montreal (even after purchasing powder blue Retro Expos jersey) , and play cards with you in any circumstances, especially on Chigago road trips stuck near Gary, IN. Good times with Phelpsie. Good times. I hate Gary!

Someone said the following to me over the weekend: "I don't know how to tell you this, but ODB is dead." Not Big Baby Jesus! Definitely not Big Baby Jitters!! But a world without Dirt McGurt, I can't imagine. Now, for the last time, "Dir-tay, baby I got ya' money!"

Speaking of weekend, I had a great one. First off, Friday was filled with hanging out with my good buddy Chuck, which other than a Monday trip to see Rachel at the Blarney Stone for a beer and some wingies complete with football and our weekly lunch trip to for chinese on Fridays doesn't happen that often of late. Chuck was my roommate in college and someone I consider to be my best friend so needless to say that it is a good thing when we hang out together. We didn't do anything too crazy, just stayed at his place for a bit with some beers and an 11:00 PM run to the local pub for some darts.

Saturday involved my first trip to the Dinosaur Barbeque in a little bit and my first hockey game viewing of the year (Damn you NHL!). Went with good buddy Billy, his girlfriend Kathy, her friend Jaime who was pretty cool I thought, her brother Chris (I was calling him 15 all night because of his birthday being the 15th of Dec., as oppossed to my brother's which is Dec. 16th; don't ask why, alcohol was involved) and his girlfriend. I had never met a few of these people before but they quickly received the Toasted Stamp of Approval for their ability to make me laugh, which isn't very hard but is always welcome. I had a sandwich that could've bitten your head off and would have made many jealous. Picture if you will, layered on a huge roll, bbq beef, jalepenos, pulled pork, melted cheese, and topped with coleslaw. So delicious yet so deadly for those around me during the digestion period. That sandwich was worth any potential gas embarrassment and that holds true to this day. It was great to watch hockey again and has made me impatient for the start of my season. I really miss playing all of the time. Makes me long for the glory days in High School, well at least the hockey season. The evening rounded out at some bar I had never been too before but with someone in our party knowing the bartender, beers were aplenty and Jameson Irish Whiskey has become my favorite drink of all time. You top all that of with a tremendous dang it of a Giants loss to Arizona but witnessing that game at Pats with Billy Shannon and the previously described Chump Phelps, now thats a good time. That's a weekend you can't beat with a stick!!

Dear Die Hard. You rock! Especially when that guy was on the roof. P.S: Do you know Mad Max?

Today's toastedblog title sent me into hysterics last night. I started watching the Simpsons when I got home from the gym after work. But, that got me thinking. Now, since our rugby season officially ended last week; I need to find something to do at nights other than going out for I fear that my wallet may be in trouble if I don't. I can't just sit around all night in front of the TV either. I need something. I'll go to the gym after work (or during lunch hour) pretty much daily, I play in a basketball league even though we are not terribly good or tall (but with Jitter's help, we'll get that win), and have my hockey league starting up soon, but I need something else. With playoff baseball behind us and the NHL not starting up anytime soon, I am at a loss on what to do and I know that this is a void that the NBA cannot fill. Maybe this is life's way of saying that I should have definitely started grad school a few months ago instead of once again putting things off by not getting on the ball. Maybe life is telling me: "Casey, stop screwing around all of the time and start your %$#*&@ career." You know what, I think that may be just it.

**Quick side note to announce tremendous dang it, we may have a serious blog entry.**

Now, this whole grad school idea gets me thinking about what I've been doing the past few years. I am a college graduate with a sparkling degree in History. What the hell was I thinking?? I want to be an elementary school teacher but I am not certified to teach in New York State, hence my going back to school. Have I done anything other than just talk about what I have to do?? Technically yes because I did actually get some school applications; however they still have yet to be filled out. I have been out of college since 2001 and I am still not doing what I set out to. Now part of it may have been that I wasn't ready to go back to school, wanted to hang out with my friends all of the time; and I know part of it was that I was so blindedly (is that a word) in love with someone that I almost didn't come close to thinking about school, even though she was in college, hell even grad school at the time. I'm not using anyone as an excuse, its no one's fault but my own. But if I have to blame someone, dammit Javen!!!

Just kidding buddy. Actually, Javen is in my head because through recent contact with him, there is a potential trip to Schenectady planned for this weekend. I think good times are the only possible outcome. That and drunk singing of George Michael and Alanis Morrisette. Who's actually going to say that isn't a good time. Now we just need to get Chumps, Willie Moe, and Billy involved and we have ourselves an adventure. Not quite best weekend ever category but one to be remembered. Well, Javen and the boys will get me through at least one more weekend. I hope sarcasm can be read. I say we kick off our drunken singing with Cracker and the D. To Schenectady, a place you should go to if you are passing by, or have friends that live there.

If school doesn't happen soon like I want it to, at least I have started jotting down a list of things I can do to pass my free time or to make my job more interesting. Here's what I have so far:

-take a cooking class (ladies, I already know how to cook, just to learn more, dang!!)
-poke badgers with spoons
-learn lyrics to "Lay Your Hands on Me" by the incomparable Jon Bon Jovi
-eat crackers
-go to Javen's again
-in a crowded elevator, face away from the door, each time it opens, unbutton one shirt button
-launch squirrels with a water balloon slingshot
-climb a bathroom stall divider, cling to it like a koala bear for five minutes or until spotted, whichever comes first
-finally get Billy to make a copy of Chigago weekend tape
-become an international jewel thief
-waterproof my pants
-breakdance
-stuff a computer mouse...into my own mouth!
-recite the opening monologue from the A-Team
-drive to PA, steal shopping carts
-send a monkey to blow up moon, no questions asked
-plunge into water from a great height without dying
-punt a small dog
-start a boy band
-sit behind my desk completely nude from the waist down for 20 minutes
-groan out loud while in the bathroom stall
-write "see how I look in tights" in the near future in all my friends datebooks.
-steal five coats or jackets, wear all of them at once, stride purposefully through the office
-heavily scent my office chair with an ounce or two of Jack Daniels
-answer phone by screaming as loud as I can

I've got a lot to look forward to huh?? We'll return to hilarity in the future. I promise.

Help Me Big Baby Jitters. You're my only hope!!

For those who know the toast, we notice he has a thing for sports. I love to watch 'em. I mean, who wouldn't?? There is nothing like getting together with a group of your good friends and watch a good day of football with beers and wingies, meeting out at a bar for big Monday once NCAA Basketball gets underway, night after night going nuts for playoff baseball, the Superbowl, going and watching Boeheim work his magic, whew.....and I'm not even close to being done. More importantly, I love playing them. I've played hockey since I was a wee lad and do still today, went to minor league catcher camp, been playing rugby and loving every minute of it, and I was even nominated for the Heisman Trophy (Nutrocker!!). However, for the first time in my sport enjoying life, I am playing organized basketball by joining a city rec. league team. Now, I know the game of basketball. I've played it while growing up, will play pick up games with friends every now and then; all that good stuff. Organized basketball, I have no idea what the hell I am doing. The Change O' Pacer's (my team, named after our sponsor, the wonderful sports bar the Change of Pace) had our first game last night. Jitter, this is where you come in. Chicken wing pizza and classic over-strohs shall be your reward.

Jitter, or (JT), is a "rather large American" living in the far off reaches of the great European country of Portugal. Originally from Mansfield, OH (which he aptly nicknamed Landfill), he is a man that has brought much to the toast and the rest of my fellow companions. He alone has helped coin phrases that you and I use every day. Try to think of what your day would be like if you couldn't yell "dang it" when something just doesn't go your way, or shouting "fancy play" when you come across a PBR special at the Bridge Street Tavern. We owe our "yahtzee's", "owwww...'s", and "all of it higher's" to that Counting Crows listenin', blatz drinkin', and bird lovin' Ohio native. I mean, without our Uncle Jitter, I may not know of the wonders of Big K soda, Card Sharks, Ma Jitters late night casey-dilla feast and Modon-YO!! He even introduced a completely sloshed Toast to Bill Jitters at 3 in the morning during Chigago weekend!! At 6'11", he is officially the tallest person I know. That height has given him many advantages that us 5'11" folk were never presented, one of those being the ability to play professional basketball in a foreign and beautiful setting. That is why I come to him now.

The Change O' Pacers need a ringer. We got absolutely pummeled by a group of middle aged lawyers in our basketball game last night. The Pacer's need you to come home as soon as possible and return this struggling team to the glory we once held. Only you can show us the ropes of the International game. Teach us how to not step out of bounds 3 times in one game while bringing the ball up the court and improve our shooting so that we don't need to hit the backboard to have any chance of the ball going in. We need help boxing out, playing stand up defense, and controlling the flow of the game. More importantly, we need a tall guy who's good at basketball to win all of our games for us. Please say that you're in. Fly to the States so you can join us on Tuesday nights for city rec. league ball. While you're at it, bring Javen and Danny back. We've got jerseys waiting.

In other toasted news, our rugby team destroyed in the playoffs beating Genesee in the semi's and taking out Rochester in the finals for our third state title in a row. We came out ready to play and just rolled. Also, I don;t think that I have drank as much as I did this past weekend in quite some time. Chigago weekend beats the amount of beer I had but other than that, we've got some searching to do. I really should devote an entire entry to get the full effect of my drunkeness. A sense a future toasted tale!!!

Finally, I was to publish a blog yesterday that dealt with some toasted thoughts on the election with it cleverly titled "I used to work with the Pentagon, now I help you get your chicken on." Oh, this detailed the toppling of the Bush administration by the Democratic John Kerry and Dubya's impending journey of discovery as a tremendous cog in the rotisserie chicken industry, just like the Gambler. Oh well: "Bad Chicken!! Mess You Up!!"

10-4 Princess. Is that where you keep the beer tent??

Well, on Saturday we will host NYSRC rugby playoffs at Burnett Park; right around the corner from the Toast's homebase. Three other teams will show up here in Syracuse for a great weekend for rugby. We play the Genessee Creamers on Saturday at noon followed by the Cortland Thundering Herd playing against the Rochester Colonials. The championship game will be played Sunday at noon. Hopefully it will be Syracuse against either Cortland or Rochester. It could get a little crazy this weekend with this many rugby teams gathered together. Plus, we have a bunch of events planned for the weekend, not to mention two rugby socials. Beers aplenty. I get to go back to my workin' in a bar days from college as I have to work the door for our aftergame party on Sunday. Like I could be an enforcer. I am 180 lbs of fury.


Hey, who's white Irish legs are those on the
ground in short shorts and a yellow jersey??

Word on the street is that one Javen Bohall and Thomas Craig O'Connor (Tucker) will be making there way into Syracuse this weekend. I am definitely looking forward to some getting together to hear bitching and incoherant rambling. Plus, Tucker is the world's most adorable and sometimes most uncoordinated individual. Except when he is playing basketball. If I had video footage of Tuck hula hooping from classic overbinge weekend in Chigago, throwing a frisbee (looked like he almost dislocated his shoulder), and playing basketball; there would be no way that you would think that it was the same person. It really is quite amazing and cannot be put into words. You have to witness it. You almost get the feeling you might get watching an injured and struggling animal caught in a bear trap, you just have to put it out of its misery. That's Tuck with the hula hoop. However, he is an animal on the court. Its rather amazing and the Toast is getting awful pumped!! More on this topic following what looks to be a great weekend.

It's like losing your virginity with a Yankee fan's hot girlfriend!!

Today's toastedblog title comes to us from a comment I heard while I was at my desk here at work listening to the Dan Patrick Show on ESPN Radio. The Sox have won the World Series!! They just went out and destroyed the "best" two teams in baseball in eight straight games. Watching the game the other night with good people you just knew that it was inevitable. I may not be the biggest Sox fan or obviously been in love with them the longest, but I had fallen in love with the them over the years and it is great to see the city of Boston and this organization celebrating. There has been so much on this subject over the past two days I can't really touch on anything new. Toast is just a happy camper amongst the millions in Red Sox Nation that are going crazy and loving every minute of it. Congrats!


V-Tek is a beast!

As usual, I'm sitting next to my dog friend Mr. Bojangles.

Well, the World Series is set. St. Louis is heading to Boston on Saturday and I am not going to make any predictions. However, I am a little nervous going into the series because of one thing, Albert Pujols. It doesn't help that he is hitting .500 for the playoffs and basically went homerun for homerun with Carlos Beltran. Its been told that Tim Wakefield is the game one starter for the Sox. Hopefully the knuckleball is working on Saturday. It's going to be fun to watch. Cards have a tremendously high powered offense and the Sox aren't too shabby in that category either. The pitching edge you think would have to go to the Sox with Pedro and Schilling however Schill is obviously dinged up and the Cardinals had one of the lowest E.R.A.'s in the league. Loveable characters, both teams have 'em. Papi, Man-Ram, Pedro, Christ in centerfield and a list of dudes like Tek, Trot, and Millar. But, the Cards are So Taguchi. As previously mentioned, its going to be fun to watch.


Mr. Bojangles is really a girl!! Javen??

Good buddy Javen has joined the blogging ranks, and what he says will surprise and shock you! Plus, look who's returned!!

Well, not too much going on in the relm of the Toast. Looking forward to the World Series and our final regular season rugby match down in Binghampton. My role in the "A" game should increase due to injuries to a few of our backs. Combine that with playing the entire "B" game and I have quite a bit of running around to do. Not to mention hurrying home to join the boys at the Change Of Pace for Game One. Maybe Javen will head in. Sometimes dreams do come true. Next week we head into the playoffs. We are still unsure who we play, all I know is that Syracuse has home field advantage so anyone we play has to come here.

Apparently Steinbrenner didn't spend enough money on this team!

What can I say?? What a week!! Now I am currently I am on the phone trying to get world series tickets but unfortunately things are not going my way. Busy signal upon busy signal The Sox are going to the World Series!!! My how it stings Yankees!!


Reverse Dang It!!

Alive.....It's Alive!......IT'S ALIVE!!!

Red Sox Nation is still in it!! We just have to "Keep the Faith". No, not that way!! This is what I'm talkin' about!! Keepin' the faith!! There has been so much going on these past few games that it is difficult to keep it all in focus. All I know is that they are not dead. Not yet!! After two of the greatest Sox games I have ever witnessed, only one thing can be said: Don't stop believing!! You know what, I won't. GO SOX!!!


Who's your Papi?

Oh Papi, Certainly doing it all aren't you. Makes you wonder if he also piloted the Red Sox Charter plane to New York last night. Speaking of doing it all, look what I just learned how to do. I posted that very picture above this sentence. Computer technology is no match for the Toast. Neither are chicken wings.

Finally we have Schilling. Tonight it all comes down to you my man. There isn't anyone else I'd rather see up there on the mound. We know you have that ankle thing, I just hope you give it your all. Red Sox Nation is behind you all the way.

Dear toastedblog audience, you may be asking, where have you been. So what have I been up to the past few days. I must say that despite my crazy manliness, even Toasts get sick. Toasts also have problems with wisdom teeth coming in underneath existing molars that recently lost a filling causing his jaw to hurt something fierce, thus requiring trips to Dr. Carpenter's office where he recommends that the tooth be pulled. So, to make a long and apparently third person story short, I was a little out of it last week and I am down one tooth, the driver's side rear molar. But don't you fret, my wisdom tooth will be coming in nicely and will makes its home in my newly formed vacant tooth spot. I'm sorry for the inactive toastedblog. However, I cannot make Portublog reappear. You'll have to appease Big Baby Jitters for that one. Just mention card sharks, modan-yo, Big-K, Ohio in any format, Googles (which doesn't exist, I don't care what you say), or Kurt Warner's Arena Football Unleashed. OOOWWW!!!

In any event, I still was quite busy last week. The ALCS, rugby, dentists, painkillers, random bar trips. I was selected to the "A" side game for the first time this year as we played Lockport on Saturday. We continued our undefeated ways by beating them soundly and we played a Buffalo team in the second game, winning that one as well. No tries this week for me but had a few nice runs and plays. I hit one kid real well as he was running east-west on the field and looking in the opposite direction, then BAM!!! Never saw me coming. Good times. I even got a little fiesty when a Buffalo player grabbed my throat as his stiff arm. I fought through attemted push away and tackled him hard. For good measure I kneed him in the side of the head and punched him in the kidneys for his toast choking manuever. That was the first time I had done anything "dirty" since college hockey where I could have been perceived as a goon or a dirty player at times. Felt good.

Now that I mentioned hockey, that gets underway soon and as I suspected I play late on Wednesday nights, from 10:15 to 12:30. Woo!! No sleep for Toastie. I'm sorry to say Chump Phelps, but there will be candy bars for Toastie. Basketball starts next week too. The Change of Pace Sports Bar is our sponsor. Oh, such a magical place. Do we have a team name yet?? Suggestions shall be accepted. Word on the street is Jerseys are powder blue. You can't beat that with a stick. I can't wait till they see some white boys like us on the court, layups aplenty. I certainly hope our uniforms consist of short shorts, high socks, and chuck taylors, the way basketball was meant to be played. This should be interesting, more news on this as it arrives.

Welcome to Toastedblog, home of the world series of poker, and I'm Toastie, your Seven Card Stud.

While some of my fellow blogging audience has turned it down a notch with their posts, we here at toastedblog want it to stay HOT, so we keep bringing you the good stuff. Man, the hit's just keep comin' round here like a donkey chokin' on a waffle!! On with the show.

I have a giant bruise on my right ass cheek in the shape of a cleat. Is that the right way to start this?? Are there boundaries that we shouldn't cross?? No Way!!! This is toastedblog, no issue is too controversial!! No, I didn't get my ass kicked. I got trampled; there's a difference. While on the ground after being tackled, a few teammates immediately rucked over me to maintain possession of the ball. The only problem with situations like these is that your only defense is to cover your face and just deal with everything else, hence the dark purple cleat imprint on my booty. Upside is that we beat a very good Rochester team. They were a great group of guys as well. Usually at rugby socials after games there is an interaction between teams but never too much. On Saturday, we were all drinking together, sharing stories, playing drinking games, and the standard, golf ball in your cup so you gotta chug. I am looking forward to when they come play us here in a few weeks.

The majority of toasted attention is locked in on the ALCS, which starts tomorrow. Yanks vs. Sox, it doesn't get any better than this. Of course I would have like to see the Yankees out of it already but it wouldn't be the same if they didn't meet in the playoffs. Casey knows that playoff time is BYOB, bring your own BOO YA!! Did I want this series to happen?? You bet!! Am I nervous?? No way!! Am I looking forward to watching the Sox take on their hated rivals and sweep them in four straight games (knock on wood)?? Its go time!!! Oh, how my production at work will slip. To the NY Yankees, proudly giving expansion teams World Series Titles since 2001. This is going to be a great rest of the month.

"A lot of people doubted The Man, and I don't doubt The Man."

Pedro was back to looking like the Pedro Sox fans fell in love with by defeating the Angels last night. He wasn't dominant, but he was great. It was near vintage Pedro, even clocking in at 94 mph on his final pitch out of 116 on the night. Pedro was out there doing what the entire Red Sox Nation wanted him to do, be himself. Now, he wasn't the Pedro who came in out of the bullpen in Cleveland and threw six innings of no hit ball a few years back, but he did his job. The series is heading for a close in Fenway and the nation no longer doubts The Man. Better get ready New York.

Now, for a lighter, more tranquil side of toasted blog. I have had the sudden urge to just get in my car and drive. Where to you may ask?? Why, to Vermont, where else??!! For some reason I came up with this idea while sitting at my desk yesterday. A few years ago when I lived with Danny and Javen, a few of us would pile in Danny's car and just go for a drive. Those who know Danny Banazek realize some of his tendencies so these car rides were always quite relaxed, full of good (yet odd and random) conversation, good laughs, Simpson's quotes, nalgene bottles filled from the kegorator, and other things that cannot be mentioned here for the DEA could be reading. Barring any playoff complications and over the top soreness and pain from this Saturday's rugby match against Rochester, the Sunday drive trend may return. I just wanted to hop in my car with some coffee and the Giants game on the radio and take a nice scenic drive. Vermont came to mind because look at it outside; its beautiful. Trees are starting to change color, country roads that are secluded and wind through the forest and hills, plus, the clincher, Ben and Jerry's ice cream factory in Waterbury!! Should this idea actually take place will be a shock to Toast fans everywhere because you all know that ideas come and go in my head but few are fully realized. Hey, it could happen. I'll let you know if it does.



--Casey

"This is the worst looking hat I ever saw. I bet you buy a hat like this and you get a free bowl of soup! Oh, it looks good on you though."

A tribute to Rodney Dangerfield who died yesterday after complications following surgery for a heart valve transplant at the age of 82. He had been in a coma since August 25th. I feel that one of the best comedic performances I have ever seen was his portrayl of Real Estate Mogul Al Czervik in "Caddyshack". If you take a quick peek at my profile you will notice that it is listed as one of my favorite movies and there was not a moment where I hesitated to put this movie on a list so highly coveted. Always great with his brand of self depricating humor, toasted blog salutes Rodney Dangerfield with a tribute of some of his finer moments. "Ooof, did someone step on a duck??" Ok, here we go, enjoy.

-The Triple Lindy (Back to School)

-Leaves the sign that says Gone Drinkin' at Homer's desk in Simpson's episode as Mr. Burns' son.

-Homer and Larry Burns hide out from the police in a theatre showing "Too Many Grandmas", starring Olympia Dukakis and Bo Derek.

Thornton Mellon: "Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."

Thornton Mellon: [in a commercial for his Tall and Fat clothing stores] "Are you fat? When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say 'OK!'?

Al Czervik: "I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay? Fine."

Al Czervik: "Wang, What's with the pictures; its a parking lot."

Al Czervik: "So what. So let's dance!!"

Al Czervik: "Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. Your a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?"

Al Czervik: "HEY WHITEY, Where's your hat?"

Al Czervik: "Hey Smails! My dinghy is bigger than your whole boat!"

Al Czervik: "Moose. Rocko. Help the Judge find his checkbook huh. HEY EVERYBODY, WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID!!"

I tell ya, I get no respect,

-When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".

-I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

-I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

-I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"

-It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

-This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

-If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

-One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

-Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.

-When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

And finally, perhaps one of the funniest, most random moments of the movie Caddyshack, and our number one Dangerfield quote of all-time: "Hey, that kangaroo stole my ball!" Ah, we will always have Caddyshack.