He's the BEST......And the Worst.

Big Marky Badass shall be joining us shortly. Ok, so what does that mean to our toastedblog audience?? What the hell is a Big Marky Badass?? Does it float in water?? Kind of. Can you eat it?? You're sick!! Will it help me balance my checkbook??? Maybe? Here, let me explain. Matt, or Badass as he is remembered as in college, is coming home on Dec. 14th for a little over a month. He is a member of Americorp and has spent the last few years over in Europe, namely Ireland and Paris, France. Not bad for this former touring beer pong champion. (Willie Moe and B.A. are never allowed to be on the same team ever!!)

Badass and I went to college together and were housemates my senior year. As a few of my friends are a year or two older than me (some even more, Owww!!!) I am one year older than B.A. I met him the summer right after my sophomore year at LeMoyne as we both worked together amongst a few others for the college's building and grounds crew; however, he insists that we met at the beginning of the year outside his dorm as I was stumbling back from a bar one night and asked him for a cigarette as I was walking back to my room, I don't remember it at all but that can be said about a lot of things.

Now, the Toast has met a whole bunch of people throughout his 25 years but few are as cool and doofy as Badass. Working together we became fast friends, each taking our goofiness to new heights as we would compliment each other with jokes, stupid comments, and outrageous actions. For example, a bevy of hot young coeds worked in the registrar office that summer and B.A. and I decided that the only conceivable way to get there attention was to create a giant flag that read "We love Registrar Girls" and hang it off the back of our school owned truck. But wait, there's more. We put a blow up sex doll in our boss' truck one day at work and we even created a song about handcarts (dollys) while waiting to unload a tractor trailer full of the heaviest couches imaginable, to which our boss Mike replied: "You two are a couple of fuckin' idiots." Don't get Mike wrong though, he really liked our hijinks. Here's a little taste of "Handcart Love", sung to the beat of "Every Little Thing she does is Magic" by the Police.

Every little curve she has is magic;
the little black wheels they turn me on.
You could say that handcart love is tragic,
but my devotion carries on.....

You say her weight capacity is ample;
she moves furniture with ease.
Saves my back from labor.
My little silver tease.

We're not finished yet. Aside from work craziness, Badass and I also created the dance craze that's sweeping the nation, that of course would be the calculator. Envision if you will other hot dance moves like the shopping cart, or the water sprinkler. Well, the calculator follows a similar mode, but we added a HOT twist that cannot be shared over the internet. This kind of dancing requires first hand experience. You can't just read up on something this awesome. When he's in town, we'll demonstrate for all those who want to learn.

Badass was an individual that would do anything and it wouldn't surprise you. Knowing the value of the all mighty buck, he was frequent visitor to the LeMoyne Mart, that run down ghetto store near campus that sold old merch. and delivered beer to campus. I once saw him purchase what had to be about a 7 year old can of refried beans and eat them right out of said can. Three days later, I witnessed him do the same thing with a can of pickled herring. Still more thriftiness to be had, he put seventeen dollars worth of pennies into a stamp machine because he knew it would dispense Sacajawea coin dollars when you hit the change return button. He must have been there for at least an hour putting pennies in there. The reason for this exercise, the purchase of Coqui 40's.

As a joke while in school, we created hundreds of fliers and plastered them all over campus. What was this for, Gary Busey Week, why wouldn't it be? This hoax saw the creation of a film festival to honor one of the "greatest actors of all time". Everywhere you looked, you saw signs for Gary Busey Week. The slogan: "All Hot Films, All Gary Busey". This festival was to feature such Busey hits as: Rookie of the Year, Lethal Weapon, Surviving the Game (movie where he hunts Ice Cube in the forest), Under Siege, and Black Sheep. The Buse is loose indeed!!

So, for about a month this fella is going to be in town. I haven't seen B.A. in over a year and I am looking forward to his visit. True, I'm sure that he is going to want to spend a lot of time with his family, but what do you think I am after all of this. I did get to go to his family clambake weekend in the Adirondaks a few years ago. The Greiner family reunion. It was just a drink fest, complete with a horseshoe tourney, crab legs, and a parade of his drunken costumed family members on day 3. The year I went, the theme was Amish. I hear last years was Pirates. Now some of you may have met Badass, some have no idea on who the hell I am talking about. I know at least Jables and Willie Moe remember the B.A. Think back if you will to a summer night outside his town house the year we lived on Lancaster. Do you boys recall driving his friends away as we sat around outside all hammered and sang "The House on Pooh Corner". How were ladies not all over us that night? Chuck, remember when B.A. and Sean almost got in a fight while we were watching the G.I. Joe Movie. Good times. What I am gettting at here toastedblog fans is, when Badass comes home. Let's show him a hell of a time!!

In closing, we'd like to give a special toastedblog thanks to Billy Shannon and Willie Moe Emerson for Robert Goulet skit stuck in the Toast's head. Without the never ending hilarious quoting I wouldn't be able to keep going Gooo-lay (Goulet) throughout my work afternoon and have my fellow officemates look at me like I am a retard. Really, thanks a lot guys. Top Notch, Top Notch!!