How to be a fucking awesome boyfriend.

Sometimes when I think about it, I'm just not really all too sure how I retain a special lady-friend. I mean, I pretty much do a lot of the things that us men-folk are known for: I make her car smell like farts and enjoy getting drunk. I play video games, frequent bars, alehouses, brewpubs, brewerys, rugby practices and drink-ups, the Toast can often be found watching sports or movies with aliens and/or stuff blowing up in them, and I destroy the bathroom following burrito nights; the list can pretty much go on and on.

Well, I'm not going to lie to you, I'm not the sharpest kid out there either. I often have trouble putting two and two together, not to mention that concepts such as proper moments to cross the street seemingly have never said hello to me over the years. I'm fucking awful with money, I went to college to get a degree in History (History!?!?). And forget about me remembering birthdays, anniversarys, your name, as this brain can only seem to retain dynamic knowledge like movie quotes and song lyrics.

But, then I remember that I'm also pretty much the shit and for some reason I get (understand) ladies; Kool-Aid in particular. And why is that you ask....cause I'm funny and I talk to them. Also, it's so blatently obvious to ladies such as the Kool-Aid that I love her and would most likely be lost, cold, confused and frightened without her, like an abandoned puppy. That is why I go out of my why to tell my special lady-friend how important she is to me and how fucking awesome she is; how she is so fantastic out of the sea of the many many female crazies and lunatics out there. It's not my impressive ability to mow down a heaping pile of pulled pork that gives me the title of the Most Fucking Awesome Boyfriend on the Eastern Seaboard, rather, it is because of these two very important facts about the Toast that I kinda get a get a free pass on all of my very many shortcomings. I make her laugh and make myself essential to be around by loving her unconditionally. Plus, I still do a hell of a job just pawing at her like I'm a bear going after a fully stocked cooler.

It is extremely important that I point out the fact that I am not trying to "get away" with anything here. I am not using this love for my girlfriend as a means to get me things like my sandwiches being made for me on a daily basis or the ability to engage myself in a the "Lord of the Rings" marathon on a Sunday afternoon. I don't have the cranial capacity to cook up a hot plot like that. But what I can do is keep my girlfriend smiling and happy and that should keep me free to impress with my keen sense of taking down baby-back ribs, serenading her in the Corolla by singing both the words and guitar parts to "Do the Evolution" by Pearl Jam, and staying in with an entire bucket of original recipie bird and video games for quite some time.