Sandwich Party '08

When I look back at my 29 years of rompin' and stompin' in this world, there are many things that stand out in the forefront of the ol' noggin. Some extremely entertaining, some a tad bit heartbreaking. Other's hilarious or quite painful. The first Pearl Jam show, playing street hockey every spare moment with my brother growing up in the cold Syracuse winters, my parents getting divorced, destroying my shoulder in High School, going to Giants games with my Grandfather, the first day I wore those short rugby shorts (white Irish Catholic thighs ablaze), that time when I built a half-pipe with some friends and my brother laughed at me when I took a massive digger on my first attempt which resulted in my chasing him down and throwing him through a neighbor's door and into their home where he would be yelled at by the kid's vacuum cleaning mother while trying to catch his breath after getting knocked into the corner of a table. Honestly, with the way that I drink I am surprised that some of those are still sticking around.

But there is one very underrated memory that kind of popped in my head the other day and caused me to develop this post for you my internet audience on this Tuesday. What is it you ask?? The infamous, never duplicated, surprisingly subtle, Sandwich Party.

The renowned tale of lore that is, the story behind the Sandwich Party, is not an impressive one. Not at all. Basically, the Sandwich Party consisted of Senior in College Toast and good friend Willie Moe, buying various pounds of deli meat on a Sunday, drinking and watching movies/playing video games and eating sandwiches every hour on the hour while wearing fleece sweatpants. That's it, really; it sounds trivial I know, but it was oh so sweet. You weren't there, you have NO IDEA!!

Now, while the memory of this sandwich party will always stick with me for some odd reason, most likely as a random thing to joke about amongst friends, why it was brought up was to demonstrate sandwiches being my favorite, and thus ending this terribly long introduction and getting to the real subject of this train wreck post. I have decided to end my ever so long internal debate and crown one sandwich, and one sandwich alone, as my favorite. The World's Best Sandwich if you will.

Now, after careful consideration and lots of blind luck, I have come up with a list of tasty sandwiches all worthy of participating in this little competish. If I were computer savvy enough, I'd find a way to get this in some sort of bracket format but I've given up on trying. Instead I have devised a highly technical system to rank said sandwiches. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you. Sandwich Rank-Bot 3000.

Sandwich Rank-Bot 3000 will carefully judge and rank sandwiches according to four extremely important categories. Below is Sandwich Rank-Bot 3000's highly elaborate ranking system.

1. Deliciousness
2. Convenience Factor
3. Sandwich Filling
4. Aftermath

Deliciousness, that's easy and straight to the point. Convenience factor, now things get a little interesting. How much effort goes into acquiring said sandwich?? What do you have to go through to get it? Where do you have to go?? DO you even have to leave the house?? Would you/can you bring them for work lunch?? All of these questions are terribly important when it comes to ranking a sandwich. Next we have the sandwich filling category, not gonna lie to you, but this counts, A-LOT. So, how awesome are the contents of your tasty treat?? Is the combination of meats too much?? Finally, we get to the aftermath of delicious sandwich consumption. Frankly put, what's gonna happen to you later after taking this guy down. Good?? Bad?? Indifferent?? Sandwich Rank-Bot 3000 will let us know.

Philly Cheese Steak
Deliciousness: 5
Convenience: 4
Filling: 5
Aftermath: 2.5

I really love me some cheese steaks. Only problem is, they tear me up if you know what I mean. Well, two problems if you count that finding a really good one is kinda difficult, unless you live in Philadelphia which sadly I do not. I'm sorry, steak-ums don't count. Steak-ums are for the birds.

Pulled Pork Sandwich
Deliciousness: 5
Convenience: 1
Filling: 4
Aftermath: 4

So good. So very good!! However, do you have time to smoke a 8lb pork butt?? Of course you fucking don't!! Who would?? If we had that kind of time we'd be eating delicious smoked meats slathered with bar-be-que sauce all the time. Instead, you know what I had for lunch?? Processed deli turkey with mustard on Dark German Wheat Bread. Ugh. Sure it's good for you but a heaping pile of delicious pork it is not.

Leftover Turkey Sandwich
Deliciousness: 5
Convenience: .5
Filling: 5
Aftermath: 5

Now we're talkin'!! Right here you'll find this little project's big winner. To me, it doesn't get any better than the leftover turkey sandwich. White meat, dark meat, you just can't lose. You can have 'em hot by smothering dem summbitches with gravy. You can just put mayo on it and shove it between a few slices of bread. Hey, why don't you take some of that leftover stuffing that but that on there as well. Better yet, throw some gravy on it too, just to give it some extra panache. It's only downside, you either have to prepare an entire 15 lb turkey to reap the dividends or depending on what you're family enjoys for the holidays, you'll pretty much only have two opportunities to enjoy one of these beauties. Plus, you get the added bonus of taking a nap (tryptophan) and those oh so enjoyable turkey farts!!

Buffalo Chicken
Deliciousness: 5
Convenience: 3
Filling: 4
Aftermath: 3

I rate buffalo flavored items the following: Wings, Pizza, Nachos, Sandwich. I really have no explanation. I just prefer wings. There, I said it!!

Grilled Charlie
"Do NOT put peanut butter on that!! NO!! A Grilled Charlie has peanut butter last!! Peanut butter outside, chocolate inside, butter inside, cheese outside."

Manwich
Deliciousness: 3.5
Convenience: 5
Filling: 3
Aftermath: 5

One of the funniest things about Manwich is the fact that when I first starting dating Kool-Aid, her roommate Matt decided to make this for a party that they were having and by the end of the night not one individual decided to indulge in all of its mantastic glory. I can only imagine the reaction by these people when they first saw it, just sitting there in a skillet. "Uh...is that Manwich??" I think all guests thought that someone had made it earlier in the day and just decided not to clean up, it's the only explanation. To me, this stuff is delicious. I like to hollow out the top part of the bun so that it holds in even more awesome Manwich, like a Manwich pocket. Kool-Aid refuses to allow me to make this at home. Sigh..

Arby's Roast Beef
Deliciousness: 4
Convenience: 5
Filling: 3.5
Aftermath: 5

Arby's is awesome, that's all I'll say. It is the only fast food that I'll eat. Something about the concoction that is Horsey's sauce combined with Arby's Sauce that turns a regular roast beef sandwich into utter deliciousness. Still, with an Arby's pretty much on every corner, it's got that convenience factor all but pegged doesn't it. However, it's still Arby's and no matter how good it tastes, it is a sandwich that quite possibly isn't real at all. How can a sandwich that costs $2.99 win this thing. It can't, that's how!

Reuben
Deliciousness: 4
Convenience: 3
Filling: 3
Aftermath: 4

Reuben's are just a classic sandwich. No varying on things here though, and that's gonna cost it a few points overall. Enjoyable, you betcha!!! The Tops??? Eh, not so much. Sorry there little fella. I still do find you quite tasty what with you're delicious corned beef, swiss cheese, rye bread and sauerkraut. All it's good points though, I can't make them well at home. I fuck it up somehow, every single time. I have no explanation but they always come out like a pile of hot garbage that tastes not nearly as good as I envisioned it would. So, that means, I have to go out to get them whenever a reuben is in the cards for the Toast and 50% of the time that'll hurt your chances every time.

Italian Beef Sandwiches
Deliciousness: 5
Convenience: 2
Filling: 5
Aftermath: 1

I was first introduced to Italian Style Beef Sandwiches on a random visit out to see my mother in Chicago a number of years ago. We had gone to a restaurant called Portillos that featured these summbitches. Now, I have found recipes that allow me to make these on my own, the only thing is that the entire process is a bit of a hassle. Who has time to cook meat for a few hours, refrigerate it, slice it as thin as humanly possible, heat it up in a pot of its own delicious natural juices, and then enjoy. Mind you, I have had the time in the past, but not often enough to give it top billing. Explaining the aftermath is easy.

Chipwich
Deliciousness: 5
Convenience: 5
Filling: 5
Aftermath: 5

Oddly enough the Chipwich rounds out with the top score out of all these awesome and stomach busting sammiches. Note that the Chipwich is indeed a sandwich, it's in the name godammit!! It is found that the Toast will do extreme amounts of manual labor for no other payment than a chipwich. Move you cross country, you'll owe me a chipwich. Need help getting that couch upstairs, it'll cost you a chipwich. Be your wingman for an evening, that'll run you about a chipwich or two. See how that works.

Blarney Burger
Deliciousness: 5
Convenience: -2
Filling: 5
Aftermath: 1

The Blarney Burger is named after my favorite bar in my old stomping grounds, Tipperary Hill, a predominantly Irish neighborhood in my hometown of Syracuse, NY. The Blarney Stone ran a special every Wednesday night that featured the Blarney Burger, a half lb burger with the works, and a side of fires for $4.50. It should be noted that the Blarney Burger should not count as it is indeed not a sandwich and I no longer live in this neighborhood/within NY State boundaries thus plummeting the burger's convenience to an all-time low score of -2. Also, it is a sleeping pill under the clever guise of a delicious burger. Under all circumstances, one should not consume an entire Blarney Burger and A. attempt to operate heavy machinery, and B. try to hang out, drink, and score ladies as this is a recipe for bad news. Please be advised, stand fast for late night jail breaks.

Grilled Cheese
Deliciousness: 5
Convenience: 5
Filling: 4
Aftermath: 5

A very underrated sandwich in it's own right. That's the problem, I never think to make them. In college, they would have them at the cafeteria cut in half just ready for the taking. And I wonder how I got over 200 lbs first semester sophomore year when I broke my arm in the first practice and wasn't playing hockey but instead just eating these fucking things all the goddamn time. Seriously, I'd pile like 5 sandwiches all together on one plate and a bowl of soup and just go to town. Realistically, they are a top 5 sandwich, no matter how you slice it. HA!! Get it??

Meatball Sub
Deliciousness: 4.5
Convenience: 2.5
Filling: 5 (they're fucking meatballs, of course they're delicious!!)
Aftermath: 3.5

These only really count if you make the meatballs from scratch, or they're from your Italian Grandmother's recipe. I'm wicked Irish, like full blown. I don't have the luxury of a Grandmother's recipe. We boil our meats, not cover them in delicious sauce. Cheese....don't even get me started. We have no idea what cheese is or if it actually exists, unless its made from a goat or sheep, or something like that and that kind of cheese doesn't even hold a candle to shit like mozzarella.

Pa Cregg's Breakfast Sandwich
Deliciousness: 4
Convenience: 4 (if you can fry up bacon, then you can make this summbitch)
Filling: 4.5 (for ingenuity)
Aftermath: 3 (sooo greasy)

My Dad, god bless him, made up this sandwich before I was even born and whenever we'd have family breakfasts he'd make these things up...for himself!! Okay okay okay okay, occasionally we'd have them too. These get the Toast stamp of approval so when you have the time, take a moment and make them yourself. Basically, just make an English muffin, slather that summbitch with peanut butter (I prefer chunky), throw some bacon on it, smoosh it together, and eat. Awfully tasty. Downside...may cause a heart attack.

Monte Cristo
Deliciousness: 4.5
Convenience: 0

You know what, I'm not gonna write anymore about a sandwich that you have to make french toast before you can enjoy it. FUCK and NO!!

Well, that is pretty much it. I mean, I can get into your sandwich staples like chicken salad, ham and cheese, tuna melts (so fucking good except you have to make tuna and that smells up the kitchen), and chicken pitas but I have to get to work at some point. And, I guess I'll leave you with the following. It's been in my head the past few days, hence the picture. Hilarious I tells you!!! HILL-LARIOUS!!