"I like the lumberjack look bro."

I am glad to say that I live in a city that is basically just a collective grouping of fucktards looking to one-up each other. Unfortunately, when Kool-Aid and I moved down here, this little nugget of information was not in the brochure.

The district is full of some of the more pretentious folk that I have ever encountered. Everyone here has their own agenda and if you are not a part of it, or the sort that wears a fucking blazer on the weekend, well, you best look the fuck out cause that guy has some serious shit to get to and your courteous and all around pleasant demeanor certainly isn't helping. Dammit, I knew something was amiss when I saw so many scarfs being worn in the springtime; I....I just couldn't react.

The Toast was at a party this weekend and the following was uttered to me by collective bags of douche upon my meeting some apparent friends of friends:

"I like the lumberjack look bro."

I was wearing a flannel, nothing more, nothing less. I don't have a beard, nor an axe. No blue ox named Blue or a hat with the flaps to keep my ears warm. I just was wearing a flannel, with a Who t-shirt underneath it. Not even the classic red and black patterned flannel that one would associate with a lumberjack. Perhaps it should have been tucked in, or ironed?? Who knows really? What I want to figure out is, why is this out of the ordinary here??

What I've come to wonder is this, am I the only one who likes to be comfortable? I like to ROCK a bit so I know what I'm doing day to day, but simply put, I really don't care how I am dressed when I go out. I mean, I have a sense of style, but it is my own. I am not walking to the beat of someone else's drum and that is what I get from so many people here. They are so worked up on appearances that it is all they think about. I HAVE to get in to the best club. I HAVE to fucking dress to the nines all of the time, even at a random house party. I HAVE to wear my $200 jeans and they HAVE to be ironed when I do so. Better yet, I HAVE to wear the ones that have the strategically placed rips and imperfections. My jeans only start ripping away from hard work or the stress at the seams from all this ass.

I guess this is what I get for living in a city where so many people are chasing the dream, being a fucking ignorant pre-madonna whose shit don't stink with a wad of cash and a lexus hybrid. I mean, I recently saw a kid, had to be fresh out of college, walking down the street on a Friday night with his ladyfriend, smoking a pipe. WTF?? The kid looked like Sherlock Holmes. Where the fuck am I??? I mean, really, where am I??

On that note, I gotta run. I think my blackberry is ringing.

"....Well, reckon I'll have me a little bracer."

This weekend, Kool-Aid and I are throwing a party. Nothing too out of control. The theme you ask?? Simply put it's "Just Get Drunk". As you can see, we're REAL into planning.

In all seriousness, it shouldn't be too crazy. Just invited a few people over to good 'ol "Fort Awesome" for some random debauchery, beer pong, and general all around high fivin' good times. My contribution to this whole fiasco is not only fixin' this proverbial big rig up with some hard-core eats but also some hard-core beats to boot. As we speak the Toast cooking up some good ideas in the head and planning on dishing out his mean chili and some of dem bar-b-que hot wings this guy is always thinking about making. As for the spinning of the favorites, we're still working on that. Some may ask, Toast, how do you go about picking tunes that fit everyone's bill?? Well, it's pretty simple really; anything I damn well want to play, well that will be on it. BOOM!

And in case anyone was wondering where today's title comes from, why don't you take yourself a ganders at what's below. "Thank's for the sour persimmons, cousin."

DRIP-ALONG DAFFY Funny Jokes at JibJab

Can one of y'all pass me a biscuit???

The Toast rose up and kicked a little ass with some presentations the past two days here at office, and that got me thinking, what else kicks ass?? Besides myself, and biscuits of course. Can you tell that this post is quite the stretch?? That's what happens when you be a bit busy. Anywho, enjoy...if you dare.

- fried stuff with cheese; mozzarella sticks, I'm looking at you here.
- throwin' the ball around
- gravy boats
- "Easy Company", that's the 101st Airborne son!! Band of Brothers is the SHIT!!
- tigers at the zoo
- rockin' a flannel
- leftover Oreo cake that your girlfriend made for her family's visit.
- Labatt Blue brought from back home
- Wegmans
- Empire Apples
- any scene from The Big Lebowski, extra kickass if it features Walter
- Pearl Jam: Live from Lollapalooza '07
- blasting a dookie at work; you feel better, you get paid for it, you pretty much can't lose!!
- staying connected with friends, even if its just drunken text messaging during a Sox loss
- "The Rum Diary"
- making the decision to go ahead with that second Italian Beef sandwich
- lightsaber fights
- Kool-Aid letting me watch multiple sporting events during the week
- casual Fridays
- Caddyshack Quotes
- getting a dog and naming him Gary
- owning an HD TV. this has not happened yet but I can totally imagine it being pretty kickass
- Buddy Christ
- margaritas
- Brandon Jacobs, man does he truck people
- speaking of truck, having a name like Chuck Wallace so people can call you Chuck "The Truck" Wallace and you can make hand motions like you are pulling on the horn of a big rig...sweet.
- livin' the dream
- Obi-Wan Kenobi
- Jason Bourne
- chili
- wicked wristers
- The Clash
- Hobbes
- not giving a good god damn
- Trot
- watching the Muppets
- when you have your I-Pod on random and it plays a heap 0' awesome beats in a row
- moon roofs
- a sandwich party, I only know of one that actually existed but it was one of the single most awesome experiences of my life
- my bed
- 30 Rock, new season starts on Thursday night bitches!!
- "Jungle Love", by Morris Day and Jerome, the muthafuckn' TIME!
- Magic Hat's new seasonal Jynx, it's an English Ale, perfect for the fall and to get that hop in your step for the evening a bit earlier than normal
- driving fast and taking chances
- designer fashions at discount prices, if I have to be at a mall, I might as well save some hard earned cash
- "Eulogy" by Tool
- finding a curly fry in with your regulars
- hip checks
- Aragorn
- going skiing at Stowe in January
- BBQ sauce
- half days
- Ghostbusters
- Cheesesteaks from Pat's
- Elizabeth Banks

- a good play action fake
- yellow corn tortilla chips
- the Worthington Law
- a couple days off
- root beers
- regular beers
- "Rebubula" by moe
- mushroom swiss burgers
- dancing like you just don't care
- windows down on a nice afternoon while rocking some beats
- watching Seinfeld for the first time in a few years
- playoff baseball
- weekends in the fall
- chipwiches

Okay, okay, okay, okay; you can see where we're heading here. Me thinks it is time that I get to work. Feel free to add anything that I missed.

Toast OUT!

I couldn't even make it till lunch

Ok, so much for not trying to remark on Game 5. I am sitting here and while I have been productive at the office today, which is kinda a miracle seeing as how I just got loaded watching the Sox last night, all I seem to be doing with my down time is checking out responses to last night's game. Everytime I think of CoCo Crisp's 10 pitch at bat that tied up the game, I get this funny feeling that just waves over me.

That being said there is something eerily familiar about this upcoming Game 6. An injured ace who is a bit of a blowhard and probably shouldn't be pitching is out looking to make amends from getting absolutely destroyed in an earlier start in the series, and finds himself starting a crucial and pivotal Game 6 in the opponent's home park. Hmmmm...where have I seen that before??

"The Foot Fist Way"

Instead of writing a little something about the Game 5 of the ALCS like everyone else, I decided to take a different path for this morning's daily nonsense.

"The Foot Fist Way" is a movie that I picked up the other day that has been recommended to me a while back by a very good friend of mine, this guy.

"The Foot Fist Way" is also the movie that I was set to fire up in the ol' DVD player during the top of the 7th inning as the Rays went up 7-0 and couldn't watch my team get absolutely destroyed again.

"The Foot Fist Way" would have been the movie that I was watching instead of the Sox un-FUCKIN'-believable comeback starting with 2 outs in the 7th finally culminating with J.D. Drew's game winning single in the 9th.

"The Foot Fist Way" is just going to have to wait for another day as the Sox are heading to the Trop for Game 6. Movie still looks fucking HI-larious though.


I still don't believe what I saw last night. As my buddy Willie Moe texted me last night: "Why can't they ever do anything the easy way?"

"Hey Rick! I never made a slam dunk before, thanks for the boost."

This is what I've been dealing with the past few days.

Saturday Night: Tampa Bay Rays 9 - Boston Red Sox 8

Monday Afternoon: Tampa Bay Rays 9 - Boston Red Sox 1

Monday Night: Cleveland Browns 35 - NY Giants 14

Last Night: Tampa Bay Rays 13 - Boston Red Sox 4

The top of the 6th inning of last night's game was my breaking point. The Rays were amidst a 5 run inning and Boston was playing like a collective ball of fuck out there. With my teams collectively being outscored 66-27 over the course of four days, I couldn't take it anymore. With my anger rising and rising, I went out and did the logical thing; I began searching for solace.

Solace founded. I lucked into a little something on one of my 873 pay channels. Ahh...Comcast, you finally proving your worth. So, for some odd reason I love the movie "The Cable Guy". There is just something about it that puts a little extra bounce in my step. Some may think that the film is awful and Jim Carrey should probably go ahead and apologize for it. For shame!! You bitches need to open up your eyes. Truth be told, I think its my favorite movie that he's done; that or "Eternal Sunshine". Most likely it's "Eternal Sunshine". But nevertheless, it's a G.D. classic and deserves your utmost respect.

I pretty much think its the lisp that Chip Douglas (Carrey's character) has that sends me through the roof. That and the entire scene in Medieval Times. Being 16 when the movie came out, my younger brother Cory and I used to reenact that scene endlessly, especially the dialogue when Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick are battling each other as knights. Ever since that move I have been DYING to go to Medieval Times. Kool-Aid promised that we would go there on my birthday, as one is located in nearby Baltimore, MD. How convenient that we happened to be out of town on my birthday and still, to this very day, that promise has not been fulfilled. You lied to me.

Ok, I am getting off track. You readers should know that this is very common. The main point of this post is that when I woke up this morning, I wasn't so terribly bitter and visibly as pissed off as I would have/should be. All I can think about is Chip Douglas' warm up before he plays basketball, Carrey's lisp, and this one line which I will close out with; a line my buddy Matt used to say all the time and hearing it live got me laughing it out loud. Until then, fucking Red Sox better come out to play on Thursday and the Giants loss was bound to happen, you can't win all the time. Just don't let it happen again boys. Then I'll really start getting upset. And. here. we. go.

Chip: "Yeah I was taking a shower and I heard the phone ring, has that ever happened to you? Call me back later, we'll talk about it"

Call me back later, we'll talk about it. heeheeheehahahahAHAHAHAAHAA!

"The Secret Power of Your Balls"

I subscribe to Men's Health. I do this in effort to keep myself looking like an Adonis, or at least like his slightly out of shape older brother who just can't seem to shake that nasty chicken wing habit. Whatever, that's not the point.

Why am I telling you this?? Well, this morning I find an email from the Men's Health website which caught me a bit off guard. Now, it's not odd for me to find an email from their site in my inbox as I do get little tips and hints from them on a daily basis. Whether they are offering suggestions in ways to lower your girlfriend's inhibitions in the sack (check and mate Men's Health), informing me in ways to achieve that highly coveted V-torso, or letting this guy know that the muscle that woman are most likely to notice is the one between my ears, these emails find their way to me. Some I take heed, some I ignore, and then there are the ones that are just "mind bottling". "Yeah. You know when things are so crazy, you get your thoughts trapped, like in a bottle." Case in point, "The Secret Power of Your Balls". Better start pricing those replacement bike seats and buying organic fellas; only good things can happen.

I don't even know how to respond. Once again, for the cheap seats, "mind bottling". On that note, I think it's time to start researching some of these sure fire better sex bedroom tactics. It's almost like I'm going to war, what with the strategies, tactics, and what-not. I am the general, she is the enemy. This can't miss.

"Shit, if this gonna be that kind of party I gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes."

In about 15 minutes I am set to attempt a straight dead sprint to the passat, put it in drive, and trek the 20 mile journey home to miss as little as possible of Game 3 between the Sawx and Tampa, opening pitch is slated for 4:37 pm. Hopefully this game isn't the 5 1/2 hr plus extra inning affair (and Red Sox loss) that this past Saturday brought to us as the Giants are also on Monday Night Football tonight, taking on the mighty Cleveland Browns. Thank God I'm a good boyfriend cause the next few hours for the Toast, well, they're going to be off..the hook. To quote good pal Uncle Jitter "we're not gonna live to see midnight."

It's not really Happening...at all.

With little or no sports on a few days ago and with the Toast still nursing somewhat of a cold due to my white water rafting while sick last weekend I decided to go ahead and rent a few movies for my at home in jammies enjoyment. One in particular that I was kinda excited to break into was the new Shyamalan flick "The Happening" as the Toast here can get carried away with those creepy types and I'm a bit of a Shyamalan fan. This one here though....eh...it's not so good.

Now, while I'm not saying pump the breaks when you think about picking it up, what I AM saying is that Shyamalan better wow me with something right quick. He seems to be filled with clever ideas and the first half of "The Happening" was pretty kick ass. It's just the finished product that sort of lets you down and it has been this way with me over the course of his last few films.

It used to be that if I didn't see a Shyamalan film in theatres I would go out and buy it once it became available on the DVD. After I bought "Lady in the Water" without watching it I vowed to never make that mistake again. I am certainly glad I did not do that with this latest one. But I'll let you all be the judge of it as I certainly won't discredit the film or go well out of my way in preventing you all from watching it. Hell, I mean I even liked it myself; it just needs a bit more and hopefully Shyamalan is beginning to see why. Fucking "The Sixth Sense", "Signs", and "Unbreakable" were pretty kick ass though. Even "The Village" was damn sweet (I really liked it even though you know the proverbial Shyamalan twist right off the bat). I'd love to his films go back to that kind of quality.

Ooh ooh..and rent "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". It ended up being a good flick plus it gave me a completely different take on Mila Kunis. Dang Dang!!

Shit.

The first thing that I read on the sports ticker when I finally sit down at home on the couch and turn on ESPN News is that Mike Timlin has been added to the Red Sox's ALCS roster. (Enthusiastically sarcastic smile and thumbs up) Man..that's great news!!

Comingtoyaaaahaaaa!!!

It's back baby, the NHL is back!!! Tonight the NHL regular season triumphanly returns and the Toast here is happier than the proverbial pig in shit. Better yet, my squad, the Boston Bruins, well they are set to be on TV tonight. Say it with me now folks, the fucking jackpot right?!?!

Though the Toast is a big time hockey fan, the NHL kinda got recharged with me last year as the Bruins finally decided to win a few here and there as they made the playoffs for the first time in a few years; even pushing the No. 1 seed in the East, les Habitants, to the 7th game in the opening round. Considering all of the injuries that the team had and their record against the Canadians last regular season, last years pseudo playoff run is quite the feat in the eyes of us Bruins fans.

More important is the fact that the Toast, who hasn't had a favorite NHL player since the fitting retirement of previous fav following his long awaited Stanley Cup victory in 2001, has hopped on board with this Milan Lucic fella. That kid Lucic better get to ride to the vet quick cause his pythons are SIIICK!! Man...if only I were 6'4", 220. Damn that'd be pretty G.D. awesome. I'd be gettin'. shit. done. Stupid 5'11", what have you done for me lately?? Sure I can reach those paper towels at the top of the pantry but do I have an NHL career?? Yeah, where were you then?? Look at him, especially at the 23 second mark. He's off the fucking chain!!! A beast I tells ya!! A fucking beast!!

"When you've found something so good it's hard to focus on what's right"

Dear the Frames,

If it's in your power please decide to come back to the East Cost, preferably the Northern VA/Washington DC area, you know, just to do a couple shows. I have recently come in possession of a live show from back in April '07 that was done at a local venue here in the District called the 9:30 Club that was made available through NPR and by god is that a damn fine beat you boys are producing.

Now, your studio stuff is something I have enjoyed for a while and word on the street was that your music should be experienced live because, well for lack of a better term, your shows were just that bad ass. After giving this show the once over I have found myself repeatedly going back to soak it in, and this is from a guy that is out there takin' it to the streets; a man about town who's busy driving fast and taking chances who often doesn't have the time to sit around and listen to two and a half hour concerts with multiple sets.

In this instance however, I have made the time. Now, all that I am asking is that you make the time, just like I have, to stop by and maybe just hit me up for a little bit. I didn't live down in D.C. back in April of '07 and to be honest, it'd be pretty sweet if you would. I realize that you all probably have families and you're away from your homes across the pond in Ireland but I have a family too and my girlfriend is currently none to happy with me, due to a slight misapplication of my time (Oh, don't worry, this one has nothing to do with you, it's all me). Think of what will happen if I continue to devote so much of my time your way. Loss of job?? Loss of significant other?? Drop 20 lbs and wake up three months later to find that I am working in a record store?? Hmm, that last one wouldn't be so bad, at least the record store part, but let's make it 10 lbs, I'm pretty happy with my current frame.

Ok, now I am starting to miss the mark. Anywho, I end now just reinstating how much I would enjoy it if you were to drop by the East Coast here in the states, just for a little while. I'm sure quite a few others would appreciate it to boot as I am telling all the "real" music fans that I encounter about you fellas. Besides, I think there are others that are just like me as well, huge fans of a little known band state side that both love a good show and a fucking damn good time. Just think about it is all.

Regards,

Toastmaster General

P.S. The song "Finally" is the mad note!

Yoikes...And Away!!!

Amidst my fall season of conquest and outdoor awesomeness comes a scheduled trip to good ol' West Virginia backcountry as the Toast is about to leave the cozy confines of his office here in the District for a weekend in the water and the woods. That's right folks, this kid and his Kool-Aid are off to Fayetteville, WV to do some camping and white water rafting.

Toast here has some experience in the water, but mostly either water skiing or a few kayaking journeys. Rapids are something I'm kinda green on. Good news is that I woke up with the beginnings of a cold so that should greatly enhance the outdoor sleeping. Even better news is chances of pictures posted on this blog of me without a shirt and wearing a helmet are at an all time high. Ladies...I'll give you a moment to compose yourselves.

It's about a 5 hour drive to our destination and nothing really screams camping in the middle of nowhere like a Volkswagen Passat with a loaded trunk. Just make sure to watch the leather, those seats aren't scratch proof you know.

Blargh!

Normally I'm one for fall with it's changing foliage, cooler weather so I can rock me some flannels, and it's heightening my chili making desire but so far this whole fall thing is for the birds. I mean, it's actually getting colder outside and I'm still all hip on this wearing short pants thing. Sun not up when I get out of bed and by the time I get back from the gym, darkness encompasses all around me. Not only that but local Virginia weather of late has largely consisted of rain and for some reason my landlord has decided not to heed cries for help as my library/den/smaller backroom that is chock full of bookcases and the computer desk has sprung some sort of leak and water is dripping from the ceiling above one of the windows. What a lousy white knight in shining army this guy makes. Top it all of with my back continuing to ache something fierce and you've got a not so happy camper on your hands.

Arggh!! And now the piece de resistance, I have just been informed that my cellular phone provider is set to increase the amount I am charged per text message. In this struggling economy?!?! I mean, I fucking spent ten dollars on about a dozen apples the other day at the grocery store. I know this phone thing is a minute detail, but sometimes it's the little things that cause folks to snap.

Sigh...but you must deal and the Toast, well he continues to press on. It's time to take it to the streets people!! And by streets, I mean, find activities to engage in that take your mind off what ails ya. So, my back is making me walk around like an old man, causes me to stink of icy hot and forces me to stick a heating pad in the waist of my jammies to ease the tension. Well, baby it's time to find the good in the bad. Since you're not going to be out there livin' this afternoon due to this whole back issue, playoff baseball shall be your saviour and its about to hit up your evening programming. What's that, your Kool-Aid is out playing volleyball tonight. Hot Damn, no need to worry about her entertainment needs so saddle up with some nachos and watch some ball big guy.

Raining in Virginia you say. Well get your ass outta dodge and head west young man. West Virginia that is as this coming weekend you're going to do a spot of camping and whitewater rafting, with the rapids and such. Man...I love me some outdoor, over the fire cookin'.

And what happens when you get back Toast?? Well, the fucking Giants are on as the fall is time for football and your team is presently undefeated. No need to worry about that trouble making bye week as you've already endured that hell. Early season bye week never tasted so good. Speaking of tasting good, why don't you make some of that FINE cuisine that you're always talking about. Fall is damn perfect for that shit.

Now that I think about it, I've been down for no reason. I mean, its October, big deal. With October you get the aforementioned playoff baseball and something I haven't even hinted at, the wonderful eating and drinking that only Oktoberfests can provide. You know who probably likes Oktoberfest...Kool-Aid. More importantly, she'll probably just like the weekend afternoon spent with her boy toy in the out of doors. You know, looking at liederhosen, brats, sauerkraut, beer steins and other shit that those kooky Germans are in to. Not only that, the NHL season starting up and we all know how the Toast loves his hockey. I may even try to get all up on the Caps this year. Who knows??

I've been going about this whole thing all wrong. Now I've just caught wind that Phish is reuniting. And they're playing in Virginia come March '09. Fuck and Yes. Perhaps it was just the last few days of September that got this kid kinda down. Not wanting to let go of summer I guess and the year still just flying by. Hell, this realization has already put an extra hop in my step. Not too much mind you, I still have this whole back thing to worry about. Now, I have no way to end this so I shall take a small bow. We'll catch you on the flip flop Internet friends. Stay loose!