"Oh Mama!!"

Well, where do I begin. Dependence Day weekend, the first leg. Should I be writing this blog while I'm a tad hungover and its almost 3pm? I feel like this story needs some proper thought to tell. A clear head if you will. But, I wasn't really clear headed over the weekend, or the entire week and a half that I was away. Can I just present a list to my Toastedblog readers of the random haps of my trip?? Am I having a conversation with myself through the internet? Well, I'm pretty sure that I confused the hell out of myself, and on a Sunday no less. OK, enough rambling about nonsense. Here's your stupid story.

-Thursday, June 23rd-
My Uncle Jitter (See tall guy in classicoverblog photos) and I head out to Chicago in his little red Mercedes complete with blown driver side speaker to hook up with Danny and his friend, Jeff. Who proves to be key with his retelling of Troy McClure line "Gay?? Selma baby I wish!!" from the Simpsons. While awaiting our arrival, Danny gets a second degree burned-ded right foot in a horrific beer brat marinating accident. However, Danny is certainly "living the dream" when we show up as he is seen sitting in his recliner with his foot in a large bucket of cool water wearing nothing but his boxers and drinking an Old Style. Thus begins the week and a half long drunkening with some of the greatest friends a kid named Toastie could have.

-Friday June 24th-
After some shirtless MLB 2k5 with Jitter, we head out of Danny's brat perfumed apartment to pick up some beers, mustard, and a lot of ice. Cubed, that's good stuff. Oh, and we had to get Danny at work so we could go to the greatest city know to man, Milwaukee. Mind you the Toast is dressed to the nines wearing a homemade yellow "Classic Overbay" t-shirt. While stopping for gas, Danny's inquisitive mind wonders what the conversation would be like with a stripper who works at a truckstop on the Illinois/Wisconsin border. This sends me into yet another giggling frenzy. Once Miller Park is in site while on the interstate, Danny once again gets me going with a classic Rodney Dangerfield line from Caddyshack; "Over there!! Swanson I wanna go over there!!" At 2:30 pm, we are the first car in the parking lot and all riled up for some tailgating. Game time, 7:00pm. Some damage is done as a drinking game is created while watching a few of our fellow tailgaters play some beanbag toss game. As we walk into the park, some dudes admire Danny's rainbow colored headband a give each of Jitter, Danny, and the Toast a beer. Two dudes sitting on a bench with nothing but a 12'er in between them, only in Milwaukee. Free Brewers Beerpen t-shirts we given to us a we were seated in the quote on quote beerpen. Go to the game, get a high quality T, not bad times at all. A hot girl yells at me in the 8th inning because I told Jitter that I was too drunk to hit on her and she thought that I called her dumb. I explain myself and make her feel foolish, but then I feel the same as my secret feelings toward this Wisconsinite were revealed. This wouldn't be the last lady that would run into the Toast in Milwaukee. I also made the mistake of having a really great conversation with a really unattainable woman. Who is this you may ask?? The wife of the musician that was performing at Guitar Bar downtown after the game. Its all good though, he ignored my heeds to play Huey Lewis' "Happy to be Stuck with you" when he was asking for requests. Bastard. Just play it!! If you aren't going to play requests why ask for them?? This week is starting of nicely!!

-Saturday June 25th-
For some reason I wake up singing "Shakin" by Eddie Money. My enthusiam after such a crazy night instantly inspires Danny to join in. That hotel had no idea they were going to host two of the hardest rockers in the world. Key sidenote, I drink to much shower water and almost die. After a quick nap and Danny throwing up in a coffee cup, I take over driving as we head from Milwaukee to St. Louis. After a nice drive with absolutely nothing to look at along the way, we find that we have made it to St. Louis. A nice hotel is our home for the night (ooh, the Heart of Rock and Roll has just come on the cd player, more Uncle Huey is all right with me; excuse me whilst I rock out for a moment. I just gotta groove baby)....Where was I?? Yeah, so we head out after the game and who's in the mood for nachos. It seems that the shortest member of Dependence Day Weekend, Danny friend Jeff has a hankerin for nachos. Jitter takes control with a poised and timely comment; "This place probably has nachos." Thats when the dancing begins. We find ourselves at some dance club type place and since we had already had a few beers ourselves, we decide to give it a shot. No more than 8 minutes into it, some lady starts dancing with the Toast and getting a little too friendly. Not gonna lie to you, I may kick ass at most things, but a dancer I am not. I can't even do the running man. Sure, I have my goofy dancing, but real stuff waved bye-bye to me a long time ago. She literally pulled my shirt up and starting pulling on my burly man chest hair. I'm not really quite sure what followed but at some point I managed to get away. She wasn't my type really. Danny and I also almost get in a fight with some Douchebags talking shit as we were walking to another bar. Good times.

- Sunday June 26th-
Its really quite simple, I manage to drink for about 17 straight hours. I don't really know if I am proud or a little disgraced with that last statement. I have nothing left to say for my defense. Cards lose extra inning game and we go back to Chicago.

-Monday June 27th-
In Chicago on a four day homestand while Danny goes to work and Jitter keeps dominating me in playstation. Over the week, his record against the Toast stands at 18 and 1. I'm awfully embarrassed. What makes it worse is that he had never played the game before and I was already halfway through a season with the Red Sox. Dang It, I know. Danny comes home and takes us to Moody's for the Moody Bleu Burger. Were talking a half-pounder with this blue cheese paste sitting atop it. Oh Mama!!! Toast out of commission but it hurts so good.

-Tuesday June 28th-
Jitter and I head out early in the morning to the Field Museum in Downtown Chicago. I love history, was my major in college. I really should have looked into becoming a Paleontologist or something. Dinosaurs rule. While there I got a uber classy photo of me behind a cock fight statue doing a George "Tamale" impression (from Little Jerry Seinfeld episode, see a future Jitter post on classicoverblog for more info), built a Triceratops skeleton the size of a volkswagen with the help of a nine year old. I also got my picture taken in front of a t-rex, just as I did 20 years before when I first visited the Museum. A little gift for my mom as I am to have dinner with her, my grandparents, and cousin Kristin later on in the evening. My mom moved to Huntley, Il., a suburb about 45 minutes from Chi-town a few years ago. She was real happy to see me as I was happy to be there. We went to the Outback. I ordered a monster steak and baked potato. Papa (my grandfather) tried to coerce me into asking out our waitress who had a thing for me. A possible maneuver to get me to move out there, hmmmm... It was outstanding to see everyone, especially my mom. Given our history of course. But it wasn't about that. It felt nice to be with family again. To have them want to talk to you, rather than feeling obligated at forced family functions. One of the highlights for the trip. Didn't think I'd get all sentimental on ya?? Nice touch huh?

-Wednesday June 29th-
Its the Taste of Chicago here all week so Jitter and I head out for it. My Uncle is impressed with how casually I can walk over to hot girls who are complete strangers and chat as I did at one point as we were trying to find our way to the Taste. After leaving he mentions that if I had asked them to join us they definitely would have with the way I was workin'. But I was just asking for directions, that thought hadn't even crossed my mind. Perhaps I should start giving myself a little credit. Anywho, armed with backpacks chock full o' Old Styles Jitter and I ate and drank our fill. Not before getting caught by some undercover cops while drinking our illegal home brought alcohol. We never should have gone over by the stage when we felt the urge to get down. One of the key sidenotes here, Morris Day and Jerome, the mutha-fuckin' Time were playing there that day. The rundown of what I ate: giant bbq turkey leg, bison burger, african jerk chicken, cajin' catfish nuggets, vietnamese chicken, pad thai noodles, chocolate covered cheesecake, Bailey's ice cream, beef enchilada, and two steak tacos. Oh Mama!! Late night was highlighted with a Toast explosion all drunk outside Danny's apartment which featured me yelling for no apparent reason and chucking a baffle of RC Cola at the wall. The best part about it was Danny only having to sing a part from the Planet of the Apes Musical starring Troy McClure in a Simpsons episode to get me cracking up and forgetting about everything . Dr. Zeaus, Dr. Zeaus indeed. Heee heee hee, and then the ape starts breakdancing. HA HA HA!!

-Thursday June 30th-
We head to Mansfield after a half day of work for Danny. Mansfield, Ohio. The home of our Uncle Jitter and Ma Jitter's infamous late night drunk mexican feasts. Us four end up at some karoake bar at about midnight and tear the roof off the mutha with a killer rendition of "The Power of Love" by, you guessed it, Huey Lewis and the News. We also meet some dude named Garth (real name Garris) who introduces us to some delicious shot called Storm Clouds. Baileys, 151, and a little amaretto, Nice!! I don't think anything can beat rockin a doob with a dude named Garth.

There it is, the first wave. We laughed, we cried, drank and ate way too much. Most importantly, I enjoyed every single moment of it. More to come in future Toastedblogs, I just can not type anymore. My elbow is actually starting to hurt. Sorry to leave you hanging. Don't worry, round two is even crazier. I'm getting excited!!