"....Well, reckon I'll have me a little bracer."

This weekend, Kool-Aid and I are throwing a party. Nothing too out of control. The theme you ask?? Simply put it's "Just Get Drunk". As you can see, we're REAL into planning.

In all seriousness, it shouldn't be too crazy. Just invited a few people over to good 'ol "Fort Awesome" for some random debauchery, beer pong, and general all around high fivin' good times. My contribution to this whole fiasco is not only fixin' this proverbial big rig up with some hard-core eats but also some hard-core beats to boot. As we speak the Toast cooking up some good ideas in the head and planning on dishing out his mean chili and some of dem bar-b-que hot wings this guy is always thinking about making. As for the spinning of the favorites, we're still working on that. Some may ask, Toast, how do you go about picking tunes that fit everyone's bill?? Well, it's pretty simple really; anything I damn well want to play, well that will be on it. BOOM!

And in case anyone was wondering where today's title comes from, why don't you take yourself a ganders at what's below. "Thank's for the sour persimmons, cousin."

DRIP-ALONG DAFFY Funny Jokes at JibJab

Can one of y'all pass me a biscuit???

The Toast rose up and kicked a little ass with some presentations the past two days here at office, and that got me thinking, what else kicks ass?? Besides myself, and biscuits of course. Can you tell that this post is quite the stretch?? That's what happens when you be a bit busy. Anywho, enjoy...if you dare.

- fried stuff with cheese; mozzarella sticks, I'm looking at you here.
- throwin' the ball around
- gravy boats
- "Easy Company", that's the 101st Airborne son!! Band of Brothers is the SHIT!!
- tigers at the zoo
- rockin' a flannel
- leftover Oreo cake that your girlfriend made for her family's visit.
- Labatt Blue brought from back home
- Wegmans
- Empire Apples
- any scene from The Big Lebowski, extra kickass if it features Walter
- Pearl Jam: Live from Lollapalooza '07
- blasting a dookie at work; you feel better, you get paid for it, you pretty much can't lose!!
- staying connected with friends, even if its just drunken text messaging during a Sox loss
- "The Rum Diary"
- making the decision to go ahead with that second Italian Beef sandwich
- lightsaber fights
- Kool-Aid letting me watch multiple sporting events during the week
- casual Fridays
- Caddyshack Quotes
- getting a dog and naming him Gary
- owning an HD TV. this has not happened yet but I can totally imagine it being pretty kickass
- Buddy Christ
- margaritas
- Brandon Jacobs, man does he truck people
- speaking of truck, having a name like Chuck Wallace so people can call you Chuck "The Truck" Wallace and you can make hand motions like you are pulling on the horn of a big rig...sweet.
- livin' the dream
- Obi-Wan Kenobi
- Jason Bourne
- chili
- wicked wristers
- The Clash
- Hobbes
- not giving a good god damn
- Trot
- watching the Muppets
- when you have your I-Pod on random and it plays a heap 0' awesome beats in a row
- moon roofs
- a sandwich party, I only know of one that actually existed but it was one of the single most awesome experiences of my life
- my bed
- 30 Rock, new season starts on Thursday night bitches!!
- "Jungle Love", by Morris Day and Jerome, the muthafuckn' TIME!
- Magic Hat's new seasonal Jynx, it's an English Ale, perfect for the fall and to get that hop in your step for the evening a bit earlier than normal
- driving fast and taking chances
- designer fashions at discount prices, if I have to be at a mall, I might as well save some hard earned cash
- "Eulogy" by Tool
- finding a curly fry in with your regulars
- hip checks
- Aragorn
- going skiing at Stowe in January
- BBQ sauce
- half days
- Ghostbusters
- Cheesesteaks from Pat's
- Elizabeth Banks

- a good play action fake
- yellow corn tortilla chips
- the Worthington Law
- a couple days off
- root beers
- regular beers
- "Rebubula" by moe
- mushroom swiss burgers
- dancing like you just don't care
- windows down on a nice afternoon while rocking some beats
- watching Seinfeld for the first time in a few years
- playoff baseball
- weekends in the fall
- chipwiches

Okay, okay, okay, okay; you can see where we're heading here. Me thinks it is time that I get to work. Feel free to add anything that I missed.

Toast OUT!

I couldn't even make it till lunch

Ok, so much for not trying to remark on Game 5. I am sitting here and while I have been productive at the office today, which is kinda a miracle seeing as how I just got loaded watching the Sox last night, all I seem to be doing with my down time is checking out responses to last night's game. Everytime I think of CoCo Crisp's 10 pitch at bat that tied up the game, I get this funny feeling that just waves over me.

That being said there is something eerily familiar about this upcoming Game 6. An injured ace who is a bit of a blowhard and probably shouldn't be pitching is out looking to make amends from getting absolutely destroyed in an earlier start in the series, and finds himself starting a crucial and pivotal Game 6 in the opponent's home park. Hmmmm...where have I seen that before??

"The Foot Fist Way"

Instead of writing a little something about the Game 5 of the ALCS like everyone else, I decided to take a different path for this morning's daily nonsense.

"The Foot Fist Way" is a movie that I picked up the other day that has been recommended to me a while back by a very good friend of mine, this guy.

"The Foot Fist Way" is also the movie that I was set to fire up in the ol' DVD player during the top of the 7th inning as the Rays went up 7-0 and couldn't watch my team get absolutely destroyed again.

"The Foot Fist Way" would have been the movie that I was watching instead of the Sox un-FUCKIN'-believable comeback starting with 2 outs in the 7th finally culminating with J.D. Drew's game winning single in the 9th.

"The Foot Fist Way" is just going to have to wait for another day as the Sox are heading to the Trop for Game 6. Movie still looks fucking HI-larious though.


I still don't believe what I saw last night. As my buddy Willie Moe texted me last night: "Why can't they ever do anything the easy way?"

"Hey Rick! I never made a slam dunk before, thanks for the boost."

This is what I've been dealing with the past few days.

Saturday Night: Tampa Bay Rays 9 - Boston Red Sox 8

Monday Afternoon: Tampa Bay Rays 9 - Boston Red Sox 1

Monday Night: Cleveland Browns 35 - NY Giants 14

Last Night: Tampa Bay Rays 13 - Boston Red Sox 4

The top of the 6th inning of last night's game was my breaking point. The Rays were amidst a 5 run inning and Boston was playing like a collective ball of fuck out there. With my teams collectively being outscored 66-27 over the course of four days, I couldn't take it anymore. With my anger rising and rising, I went out and did the logical thing; I began searching for solace.

Solace founded. I lucked into a little something on one of my 873 pay channels. Ahh...Comcast, you finally proving your worth. So, for some odd reason I love the movie "The Cable Guy". There is just something about it that puts a little extra bounce in my step. Some may think that the film is awful and Jim Carrey should probably go ahead and apologize for it. For shame!! You bitches need to open up your eyes. Truth be told, I think its my favorite movie that he's done; that or "Eternal Sunshine". Most likely it's "Eternal Sunshine". But nevertheless, it's a G.D. classic and deserves your utmost respect.

I pretty much think its the lisp that Chip Douglas (Carrey's character) has that sends me through the roof. That and the entire scene in Medieval Times. Being 16 when the movie came out, my younger brother Cory and I used to reenact that scene endlessly, especially the dialogue when Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick are battling each other as knights. Ever since that move I have been DYING to go to Medieval Times. Kool-Aid promised that we would go there on my birthday, as one is located in nearby Baltimore, MD. How convenient that we happened to be out of town on my birthday and still, to this very day, that promise has not been fulfilled. You lied to me.

Ok, I am getting off track. You readers should know that this is very common. The main point of this post is that when I woke up this morning, I wasn't so terribly bitter and visibly as pissed off as I would have/should be. All I can think about is Chip Douglas' warm up before he plays basketball, Carrey's lisp, and this one line which I will close out with; a line my buddy Matt used to say all the time and hearing it live got me laughing it out loud. Until then, fucking Red Sox better come out to play on Thursday and the Giants loss was bound to happen, you can't win all the time. Just don't let it happen again boys. Then I'll really start getting upset. And. here. we. go.

Chip: "Yeah I was taking a shower and I heard the phone ring, has that ever happened to you? Call me back later, we'll talk about it"

Call me back later, we'll talk about it. heeheeheehahahahAHAHAHAAHAA!

"The Secret Power of Your Balls"

I subscribe to Men's Health. I do this in effort to keep myself looking like an Adonis, or at least like his slightly out of shape older brother who just can't seem to shake that nasty chicken wing habit. Whatever, that's not the point.

Why am I telling you this?? Well, this morning I find an email from the Men's Health website which caught me a bit off guard. Now, it's not odd for me to find an email from their site in my inbox as I do get little tips and hints from them on a daily basis. Whether they are offering suggestions in ways to lower your girlfriend's inhibitions in the sack (check and mate Men's Health), informing me in ways to achieve that highly coveted V-torso, or letting this guy know that the muscle that woman are most likely to notice is the one between my ears, these emails find their way to me. Some I take heed, some I ignore, and then there are the ones that are just "mind bottling". "Yeah. You know when things are so crazy, you get your thoughts trapped, like in a bottle." Case in point, "The Secret Power of Your Balls". Better start pricing those replacement bike seats and buying organic fellas; only good things can happen.

I don't even know how to respond. Once again, for the cheap seats, "mind bottling". On that note, I think it's time to start researching some of these sure fire better sex bedroom tactics. It's almost like I'm going to war, what with the strategies, tactics, and what-not. I am the general, she is the enemy. This can't miss.

"Shit, if this gonna be that kind of party I gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes."

In about 15 minutes I am set to attempt a straight dead sprint to the passat, put it in drive, and trek the 20 mile journey home to miss as little as possible of Game 3 between the Sawx and Tampa, opening pitch is slated for 4:37 pm. Hopefully this game isn't the 5 1/2 hr plus extra inning affair (and Red Sox loss) that this past Saturday brought to us as the Giants are also on Monday Night Football tonight, taking on the mighty Cleveland Browns. Thank God I'm a good boyfriend cause the next few hours for the Toast, well, they're going to be off..the hook. To quote good pal Uncle Jitter "we're not gonna live to see midnight."

It's not really Happening...at all.

With little or no sports on a few days ago and with the Toast still nursing somewhat of a cold due to my white water rafting while sick last weekend I decided to go ahead and rent a few movies for my at home in jammies enjoyment. One in particular that I was kinda excited to break into was the new Shyamalan flick "The Happening" as the Toast here can get carried away with those creepy types and I'm a bit of a Shyamalan fan. This one here though....eh...it's not so good.

Now, while I'm not saying pump the breaks when you think about picking it up, what I AM saying is that Shyamalan better wow me with something right quick. He seems to be filled with clever ideas and the first half of "The Happening" was pretty kick ass. It's just the finished product that sort of lets you down and it has been this way with me over the course of his last few films.

It used to be that if I didn't see a Shyamalan film in theatres I would go out and buy it once it became available on the DVD. After I bought "Lady in the Water" without watching it I vowed to never make that mistake again. I am certainly glad I did not do that with this latest one. But I'll let you all be the judge of it as I certainly won't discredit the film or go well out of my way in preventing you all from watching it. Hell, I mean I even liked it myself; it just needs a bit more and hopefully Shyamalan is beginning to see why. Fucking "The Sixth Sense", "Signs", and "Unbreakable" were pretty kick ass though. Even "The Village" was damn sweet (I really liked it even though you know the proverbial Shyamalan twist right off the bat). I'd love to his films go back to that kind of quality.

Ooh ooh..and rent "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". It ended up being a good flick plus it gave me a completely different take on Mila Kunis. Dang Dang!!

Shit.

The first thing that I read on the sports ticker when I finally sit down at home on the couch and turn on ESPN News is that Mike Timlin has been added to the Red Sox's ALCS roster. (Enthusiastically sarcastic smile and thumbs up) Man..that's great news!!

Comingtoyaaaahaaaa!!!

It's back baby, the NHL is back!!! Tonight the NHL regular season triumphanly returns and the Toast here is happier than the proverbial pig in shit. Better yet, my squad, the Boston Bruins, well they are set to be on TV tonight. Say it with me now folks, the fucking jackpot right?!?!

Though the Toast is a big time hockey fan, the NHL kinda got recharged with me last year as the Bruins finally decided to win a few here and there as they made the playoffs for the first time in a few years; even pushing the No. 1 seed in the East, les Habitants, to the 7th game in the opening round. Considering all of the injuries that the team had and their record against the Canadians last regular season, last years pseudo playoff run is quite the feat in the eyes of us Bruins fans.

More important is the fact that the Toast, who hasn't had a favorite NHL player since the fitting retirement of previous fav following his long awaited Stanley Cup victory in 2001, has hopped on board with this Milan Lucic fella. That kid Lucic better get to ride to the vet quick cause his pythons are SIIICK!! Man...if only I were 6'4", 220. Damn that'd be pretty G.D. awesome. I'd be gettin'. shit. done. Stupid 5'11", what have you done for me lately?? Sure I can reach those paper towels at the top of the pantry but do I have an NHL career?? Yeah, where were you then?? Look at him, especially at the 23 second mark. He's off the fucking chain!!! A beast I tells ya!! A fucking beast!!

"When you've found something so good it's hard to focus on what's right"

Dear the Frames,

If it's in your power please decide to come back to the East Cost, preferably the Northern VA/Washington DC area, you know, just to do a couple shows. I have recently come in possession of a live show from back in April '07 that was done at a local venue here in the District called the 9:30 Club that was made available through NPR and by god is that a damn fine beat you boys are producing.

Now, your studio stuff is something I have enjoyed for a while and word on the street was that your music should be experienced live because, well for lack of a better term, your shows were just that bad ass. After giving this show the once over I have found myself repeatedly going back to soak it in, and this is from a guy that is out there takin' it to the streets; a man about town who's busy driving fast and taking chances who often doesn't have the time to sit around and listen to two and a half hour concerts with multiple sets.

In this instance however, I have made the time. Now, all that I am asking is that you make the time, just like I have, to stop by and maybe just hit me up for a little bit. I didn't live down in D.C. back in April of '07 and to be honest, it'd be pretty sweet if you would. I realize that you all probably have families and you're away from your homes across the pond in Ireland but I have a family too and my girlfriend is currently none to happy with me, due to a slight misapplication of my time (Oh, don't worry, this one has nothing to do with you, it's all me). Think of what will happen if I continue to devote so much of my time your way. Loss of job?? Loss of significant other?? Drop 20 lbs and wake up three months later to find that I am working in a record store?? Hmm, that last one wouldn't be so bad, at least the record store part, but let's make it 10 lbs, I'm pretty happy with my current frame.

Ok, now I am starting to miss the mark. Anywho, I end now just reinstating how much I would enjoy it if you were to drop by the East Coast here in the states, just for a little while. I'm sure quite a few others would appreciate it to boot as I am telling all the "real" music fans that I encounter about you fellas. Besides, I think there are others that are just like me as well, huge fans of a little known band state side that both love a good show and a fucking damn good time. Just think about it is all.

Regards,

Toastmaster General

P.S. The song "Finally" is the mad note!

Yoikes...And Away!!!

Amidst my fall season of conquest and outdoor awesomeness comes a scheduled trip to good ol' West Virginia backcountry as the Toast is about to leave the cozy confines of his office here in the District for a weekend in the water and the woods. That's right folks, this kid and his Kool-Aid are off to Fayetteville, WV to do some camping and white water rafting.

Toast here has some experience in the water, but mostly either water skiing or a few kayaking journeys. Rapids are something I'm kinda green on. Good news is that I woke up with the beginnings of a cold so that should greatly enhance the outdoor sleeping. Even better news is chances of pictures posted on this blog of me without a shirt and wearing a helmet are at an all time high. Ladies...I'll give you a moment to compose yourselves.

It's about a 5 hour drive to our destination and nothing really screams camping in the middle of nowhere like a Volkswagen Passat with a loaded trunk. Just make sure to watch the leather, those seats aren't scratch proof you know.

Blargh!

Normally I'm one for fall with it's changing foliage, cooler weather so I can rock me some flannels, and it's heightening my chili making desire but so far this whole fall thing is for the birds. I mean, it's actually getting colder outside and I'm still all hip on this wearing short pants thing. Sun not up when I get out of bed and by the time I get back from the gym, darkness encompasses all around me. Not only that but local Virginia weather of late has largely consisted of rain and for some reason my landlord has decided not to heed cries for help as my library/den/smaller backroom that is chock full of bookcases and the computer desk has sprung some sort of leak and water is dripping from the ceiling above one of the windows. What a lousy white knight in shining army this guy makes. Top it all of with my back continuing to ache something fierce and you've got a not so happy camper on your hands.

Arggh!! And now the piece de resistance, I have just been informed that my cellular phone provider is set to increase the amount I am charged per text message. In this struggling economy?!?! I mean, I fucking spent ten dollars on about a dozen apples the other day at the grocery store. I know this phone thing is a minute detail, but sometimes it's the little things that cause folks to snap.

Sigh...but you must deal and the Toast, well he continues to press on. It's time to take it to the streets people!! And by streets, I mean, find activities to engage in that take your mind off what ails ya. So, my back is making me walk around like an old man, causes me to stink of icy hot and forces me to stick a heating pad in the waist of my jammies to ease the tension. Well, baby it's time to find the good in the bad. Since you're not going to be out there livin' this afternoon due to this whole back issue, playoff baseball shall be your saviour and its about to hit up your evening programming. What's that, your Kool-Aid is out playing volleyball tonight. Hot Damn, no need to worry about her entertainment needs so saddle up with some nachos and watch some ball big guy.

Raining in Virginia you say. Well get your ass outta dodge and head west young man. West Virginia that is as this coming weekend you're going to do a spot of camping and whitewater rafting, with the rapids and such. Man...I love me some outdoor, over the fire cookin'.

And what happens when you get back Toast?? Well, the fucking Giants are on as the fall is time for football and your team is presently undefeated. No need to worry about that trouble making bye week as you've already endured that hell. Early season bye week never tasted so good. Speaking of tasting good, why don't you make some of that FINE cuisine that you're always talking about. Fall is damn perfect for that shit.

Now that I think about it, I've been down for no reason. I mean, its October, big deal. With October you get the aforementioned playoff baseball and something I haven't even hinted at, the wonderful eating and drinking that only Oktoberfests can provide. You know who probably likes Oktoberfest...Kool-Aid. More importantly, she'll probably just like the weekend afternoon spent with her boy toy in the out of doors. You know, looking at liederhosen, brats, sauerkraut, beer steins and other shit that those kooky Germans are in to. Not only that, the NHL season starting up and we all know how the Toast loves his hockey. I may even try to get all up on the Caps this year. Who knows??

I've been going about this whole thing all wrong. Now I've just caught wind that Phish is reuniting. And they're playing in Virginia come March '09. Fuck and Yes. Perhaps it was just the last few days of September that got this kid kinda down. Not wanting to let go of summer I guess and the year still just flying by. Hell, this realization has already put an extra hop in my step. Not too much mind you, I still have this whole back thing to worry about. Now, I have no way to end this so I shall take a small bow. We'll catch you on the flip flop Internet friends. Stay loose!

There's no basement in the Alamo!

Well ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages and you daffy senior citizens, the Toast here is about to jet off to good ol' Plano, TX for a few days of work related debauchery; i.e. to learn some folks good about what it is exactly that I do here. Ah..Texas, the Sunshine State..GORGEOUS!! Updates from the road to come. Haven't decided if I'm going to do a running diary of the haps of this work trip or if I'll just stick with the ever impressive Plan B, which is to take down enough TexMex to choke a donkey; post work of course. Nevertheless, I'm going to have some time to kill and the idea of sitting in a hotel room from the hours of 7pm-sleepy time does not get my dander up in the least.

Currently I am making a sweet I-Pod mix for my time in the air and layover in Hot-lanta. Eh...we'll see how it turns out. I'm fore-seeing a lot of John Lennon, Neil Young, and some oddball Clash; been on a kick lately. That being said, Toast OUT!! Let me know if you want me to bring you anything back. Chili recipes and doofy cowboy gear, I'm looking at you here. Later boners.

Greek Food = The Bomb!!

This past Friday night Kool-Aid and I hit up a Greek Restaurant a few blocks away from us down King Street in Old Town Alexandria called Taverna Cretekou. Let me tell you, the shit was the bomb kid!! Now, every once in a while, Kool-Aid, who is the cheese to my macaroni, likes to go out and do something, well not quite fancy but at least out and about, and she has been riding me HARD about checking out this place. As a man who lives by the following code: "whatever my Kool-Aid wants, my Kool-Aid gets", I was more than happy to oblige.

For starters, just to get you all in the know, the Toast likes to drive fast and take chances when it comes to eating/eating out. Not wild and crazy times mind you, but I'm not just eating grilled chicken or going to the Olive Garden every night out either. Nothing against the Olive Garden, but there's a time and place for that. When it comes to your hot trophy girlfriend, who happens to be a bit of an adventurer, you just gotta roll the dice.

Now, my familiarity with Greek Cuisine isn't up to par, especially when compared to the deliciousness I can prepare on a whim at home. Basically, I just don't know too much about it. Some yogurt sauce gets put on stuff. They like lamb. I've eaten Baklava a few times. That Greek-Fest we went to back in the day had some good ka-babs (souvlaki). Realistically, that is pretty much it. Kool-Aid on the other hand, well she knows her shit following a good amount of time spent in Greece last summer on a post Grad School graduation va-ca. Ask her about "Donkey", I'm sure she'll show you a pic or two.

After last Friday's little outing, the Toast can safely say that Greek food = the bomb!! (Hey..where have I read that before??) For dinner I decided to kinda push the envelope. Rather than getting something predominantly lamb related (Arni to those crazy Greeks), I went ahead and ordered some restaurant special sampler of sorts. After a bit of research, I can now officially tell you what came on my plate.

Toast's order:

- Moussaka: some sort of lasagna looking eggplant thing, thumbs up!!
- Pastitsio: similar to the above, sans eggplant, same result in my tummy though
- Dolmades: Not a fan of the mint, Kool-Aid finishes this one
- Soudsoukakia: I'm a-gonna make these sometime soon.
- Spanakopita: Fucking Delicious!! Spinach, pastry & cheese alright by me!

Not gonna lie to you internet audience, I ate goooood. You know, the no room for dessert, in bed before midnight cause standing up makes you dizzy kinda good. All said and done though, the Toast is currently on the lookout for a good Mediterranean/Greek Cookbook to further enhance my culinary skills. Plus, this will instantly pay off with the Mrs. I'm so gonna get me some mean back rubs for this decision, its not even fair.

"Do those sound like the actions of a man who had ALL he could EAT?"

Who likes crabs?? Who's ready for some beers?? Who's looking forward to spending some sweet sweet time with good buddy from back home M-Keezie (aka Matt)?? Who's prepared for gratuitous amounts of obligatory 80's and early 90's rap (can you handle the Bobby Brown?) complete with some kick-ass goofy dance moves as the drunkening progresses?? If you said the Toast, the answer would be Fuck and Yes!

The chance of karaoke over the course of the weekend is high as sometime mid-morningish tomorrow, the soon to be named Passat will be heading north to the 'Burg to meet up with my friend Matt for some general debauchery and high fa'lootin' good times. That's right internet faithful, the Toast is going to Chambersburg, PA. Gaze upon all her majesty. The reason you ask, well M-Keezie hails from the 'Burg and still has a great number of good friends inhabiting this little Pennsylvania community and has invited yours truly to hit up it's annual Crab fest on Sunday. All you can eat crabs, oh mama is right. Throw in some College Football at his best friend's bar, some beers, and apparently some gun shooting (it is Chambersburg, PA after all) and you've got yourself a nice little Saturday planned to boot. A little sidenote if you will, the Toast has never fired off a live round and is a little intrigued by all of this "shooting range" thing that's planned for tomorrow afternoon.

Realistically, the main reason for this little weekend getaway to Pennsylvania's beautiful Franklin County is to spend some time with Matt, who is one of my best friends from back home. We met each other playing rugby in Syracuse, NY about 5 years ago and immediately hit it off. Over the years, driving to rugby games all throughout the state together, drinking after games together, going out for wings and watching football and hockey together at bars, we got to be real close . But, as life has a habit of doing I moved, Matt got married and our time spent together without significant others so we can really cut loose is few and far between. Not that it doesn't work when significant others are present, its just a little different is all. Anywho, this weekend should be real nice for the Toast. All I know is that I am looking forward to sittin' down at a picnic table on Sunday afternoon, the Giants game on somewhere in the background/foreground with a pile of blue crabs resting in front of me and a 12 pack no more than an arms length away. It's gonna be thuper thweet.

For no real reason other than my being currently in love with this song, I give you "The General Specific" from Band of Horses. It's the shiiit.

"Yippie-ki-yay, Mister Falcon!"

Dennis: Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Dennis: Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. I would be a bear.
Dennis: No no see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact I don't know what you would be because you're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See a power bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it. You see the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right buddy?

It's exchanges like the above that keep the Toast constantly coming back for more. That, and anything that revolves around Charlie. All that now tossed out at you, the new season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia premires tonight on FX. Toast is giddy, you've been alerted, and there was much rejoicing. HUZZAH!!

Things my new office is good for.

What a minute. Hold the phone. You in fact did read that title correctly my faithful internet audience, the Toast has himself a new lot here at the workplace to call his own. With the aforementioned recent departure of a long time team member, office settings were restructured and Corporate Toast now is movin' on up to the big leagues, if by big leagues you mean an office that isn't just a glorified ex-coat closet. This kid has hit the big time....from a certain point of view.

Now, I've only been in this new space for a little over a week but here is a short list of things I have already noticed that this new office is particularly good at and/or good for.

- natural light.
- eating m&m's.
- rocking. I constantly have my I-pod with me at the office so I can hit up my beats. Currently we are thrashing the new digs with some old school Beasties.
- a window to the outside world where I can feel the cool breezes of Anytown, U.S.A.
- previous tenant dropping by as a force of habit (Wait a tick, this isn't mine anymore).
- the occasional lunchtime Toastedblog.
- coffee consumption
- showing off my office flair (that calender of bunny suicides isn't going to show itself)
- upon my arrival every morning while I am in the process of enjoying my apple-a-day, I get to read the daily article from here. Don't you DARE judge me.
- taking down delicious lunch sandwiches
- workies
- confusing others ("When'd you move here??")
- designing and drawing out various football formations and plays (I have this giant wipe-board for some odd reason in here). I know, the fucking jackpot right.

As you can see, the benefits greatly outnumber any possible complaints, threefold. Word to your moms!!

"What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppets Desperate For Publicity!"

Not too long ago I noticed an advertisement online for an exhibit at the Smithsonian International Gallery here in D.C. so over the weekend that came complete with an under the weather Kool-Aid, nasty forecasts for the out-of-doors, and just a general thirst of all things knowledgeable, an outing was planned to give said exhibit a good once over. Oh...did I not mention what was to be the substance of this temporary Smithsonian exhibit; the reason for this most recent museum outing?? Sorry. Basically all can rejoice for your good pal Toastie as this past weekend, with Kool-Aid in tow, he went and saw a bunch of Muppets.

That's right!! The Smithsonian has put together an exhibit devoted to the life and work of the great Jim Henson, a native of these parts, simply titled: Jim Henson's Fantastic World and I spent the better part of an afternoon heading to the District to soak it in. As a huge Muppets fan back in my day, it was safe to say that this kid was "living the dream". Truth be told, I wasn't officially "living the dream" until we hit up a local sandwich joint called Potbelly's for a tasty toasty roast beef sandwich treat. What??? With the hot peppers, you kidding me??

But let's get back to Henson for a moment. He truly was a visionary for both entertainment and for children's education. I know I probably wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for all he did with children's television programming. And where exactly would I be you ask, probably still trying to figure out how to get these shirt buttons all done up correctly. Ah..that Sesame Street, works wonders I tells ya. Not only that, but any program from the Jim Henson's Television Workshop brought with it not only viewing pleasure for us wee lads and lasses back in the day, but a great deal of education of a wide array of subjects. They did their best to make you well rounded by teaching children tolerance, fair play, interracial equality, and so on. The Muppets and all Henson programming was a staple in the Toast's house during his younger years. And don't get me wrong, its good for grown ups too. Hell, even today I own The Muppet Show on DVD. Throw that in the player and try not to have a good time. Go ahead...I dare you.

But going to this exhibit over the weekend brought back a lot of memories from my childhood and it really got me thinking about the differences between now and then, how things used to be. Times really have changed even though it seems as though only a few years have passed, everything is different. Whether it my life (I'm old), technology (I can't seem to keep up anymore), the types of commercials and programming on T.V. (doesn't seem to even seem compare now-a-days), the direction of things like our country and family values (I don't even know what to think anymore), etc.; the Muppets...Muppets are what got me to thinking like this. And what exactly is a Muppet? They're not quite mops, they're not quite a puppet, but man… (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don’t know."

Thank god for the obligatory Simpsons quote; always there when you're in a pinch and need to find a way to end a blog post. You've got me out of a jam yet again. Oh well, we'll catch you on the flip flop kids. You take 'er easy. Toast OUT!

I'll learn you some mean QuickBooks let me tell you.

So...the past few days here at the office have been a whirlwind of activity as I have been doing what we Toasts do best; and that is, simply put, kickin' ass and takin' names. We've recently had a few folks come here to "Corporate" this week and, as per my job discription, I had to go out there and wow them with my mastery of my company's processes and various systems. Train them if you will.

Now, with the recent departure of one of our team members here, my position has brought to the Toast a few new roles, and a few opportunitites for advancement if these things go well. One of these new roles is to become our teams foremost QuickBooks and Accounting guru as our recent departure was pretty much heading that campaign as he was a former CPA. Well, I have had some experience with QuickBooks before (I knew what it was) and I can balance a checkbook (I am horrible with money). Most importantly, the Toast is a go-getter so when presented this opportunity to add on to my extremely vital role here as a Corporate stooge I took it without hesitation.

I now hold in my possession a solid two weeks of QuickBooks knowledge and this past Tuesday was my first opportunity to train franchisees and their office managers in the program and how it is to be used with our processes and systems. Not gonna lie to you my internet readers, I BOMBED!!!!! It's amazing that something you can seem to have a firm grasp of and can almost do blindfolded at your desk can instantly turn into a foreign language when you are alone in a conference room with a group of strangers they're hanging on your every word as this is going to be their life, their business.

Now, I know hindsight is 20-20 and looking back I can pick up on so many things I did wrong and what I won't do again as basically I let the training presentation get out of my hands and before I knew what happened it turned into a bunch of guys sitting around my laptop looking at the projected computer image on the wall wondering why we couldn't transfer invoices uttering phrases like: "Here try this" or "See what happens when you look at the chart of accounts under the reports tab". As exciting as that lingo sounds, its surprising how it can get you flustered when things just aren't going your way. When my long ass day was finished I couldn't wait to just drink a beer on my front steps so I could put this garbage day behind me.

Following a conversation with my boss yesterday I did feel much better about how my first run with this turned out. I also got to meet up with this group before they headed out as well, just to go through everything one more time and address any questions. You see folks, when things don't go as planned with me (as they can do), I tend to beat myself up for it, pretty bad sometimes, and Tuesday's first QB run was definitely one of those times. My boss, (who's a fellow athelete) put it in terms that I can relate to and we discussed how I just need to not worry about it, go back out there, and do it again. To learn from mistakes and take what you can from them. When you are in the wrong position on the ice and allow a goal to be scored because your man was uncovered, you remember that and next time you are in a similar sitiation, you know what to do and can prevent it. Not back covering when the scrum half boots it 40 meters over the heads of your back line, you remember that scenario and do your best to be ready for it when it happens later in the second half. You know what internet audience, G.D. QuickBooks is the same thing, and the Toast, well he'll be fuckin' ready!!

Best make sure y'all gots your big boy pants on!!!

In a rather pathetic attempt to keep you up to date as possible on all the goings on in the world of the Toast; I give you...my Saturday.

- Yesterday it rained. BAD! and I bought pants. 2 pairs!! but technically one shouldn't count on account of them being jeans.

- In response to the rain, Kool-Aid and I followed the expert 10AM tutelage of Paula Dean. Made this for dinner. FUCK and YES!!

- Drank wine. It was Red.

- Watched the movie "Street Kings". Never ever watch the movie "Street Kings". Resist the temptation at all costs, even when there is nothing else worthwhile at the video store. Learn from my grossly miscalculated error. Hey, I thought that a cast including: Keanu Reeves, Forrest Whitaker, and House would have made for a watchable flick...yeah, this time. Not so much.

- Jammies: 5PM. Bed: 11PM. on a Saturday Night mind you.

Sigh...that's it. That's all that there is. For realsies!! Man, sometimes, sometimes I'm just so G.D. lame.

"So bad ass, even Tony Danza is asking, Who's the Boss?"

Above your eyes rest upon Kevin Boss. The Toast is a huge NY Giants fan and that man is set to take over the highly coveted spot my favorite NY Giants player ever since the recent departure of former starting tight end and Toasted fav, one Jeremy Shockey. True, he may have been an ass, but I liked him. Probably due to my love of former Giants great, Mark Bavaro. But make no mistake, a Bavaro...Shockey is not!! However, Kevin Boss?? Hmm.....could be??

Anywho, I am getting off track. The reason why I bring Kevin Boss to the fold this afternoon is the fact that tomorrow morning I am set to take off to the NYC for the NFL Season Opener at Giants Stadium Thursday night, complete with a Little Crapper to boot. That's right, it's the annual Cregg/Coville 'Skins v. Giants game. God bless you elder Cregg's for purchasing season tickets oh so many years ago. And if any of you, my faithful internet audience, happen to be watching the game, the Toast and said Chuck will be sitting front row baby!! Well, second row actully, right at the goal line, tunnel side. That's right, I ended up getting the first level seats so look for this goofy irishman and his former college roommate in the crowd. Chances are, one of us could be drunk and unruly. Hmm..which one could it be??

**Quick Sidenote**
my family shares 6 season tickets, 4 up in the 300 level which is great for watching the game, and 2 second row on the goal line so you's can get up close and personal

Oh..and just because I know you wanted to see it. Dammit...at least I did. Saw-MAN-THAHHH!! Mo-NAHHH!! Love that show, who cares if Tony only can say names in two different ways. It's the TOPS!!!

WHAT ABOUT 30?

It's all I could think about this past weekend in response to this being the last year of my roaring 20's. You'll catch it at about..oh...the 2:23 mark.



And just for the hell of it. Wooo doggie do I like me some Mr. Show.

Maaaan........

It's raining, I'm blogging from the road at my Father's house in good ol' Syracuse, NY, I had a few Labatt's last night and my head isn't what you call fuzzy as I didn't drink too much but I'm no-where near 100%, I'm drinking coffee, Kool-Aid is in the shower, and today is the last day that I will be twenty eight years old. I don't know how I feel about this. Rough roads lie ahead, who knows?? Simply put, the countdown begins......TOMORROW.

"When we were strangers, I watched you from afar.."

"..when we were lovers, I loved you with all my heart."

Recently I spent an evening making one of my specialties, chicken parmesean. Oh mama, do I know what I'm doin' there. And whether I'm cookin' away in the kitchen, or firin' stuff up on the ol' grill, I like to throw some tunes on in the background. So, while I was preparing the bird and boiling water for the pasta, I had some sweet sweet Neil Young going on. Please, do yourself a favor, follow my lead and do the same. Sweet Jesus "Down by the River" is just so damn awesome!!

Also, when your Kool-Aid is roasting garlic for the bread, for the love of God, please tell her to try to take it easy and not use the garlic like it's a butter spread. I'm still killing small animals and various plantlife when I breathe out my mouth.

I'm so awesome I blow up my own back.

Lately in an attempt to be fully prepared and ready to go for the upcoming fall rugby season, I've been hitting the gym pretty hard. So hard in fact that I guess I just over did cause my back is ailin' something fierce today at the office. Getting some awful odd looks as I am lying on the floor, back arched, in a vague attempt to alleviate the leg numbing pain.

You see internet audience, the Toast is plagued with something called sciatica, and when it acts up, Oh Mama do I become whiny. The root of this very problem stems from my summers in college in which I spent my days working for the LeMoyne College Physical Plant. What does one do while working for the LeMoyne College Physical Plant?? Well, that's simple, anything they fucking tell you to do, all for about $6.00 an hour. Pretty much most of our days were spent removing and replacing dorm furniture all over campus. You ever lift wardrobe units and those fucking dorm couches for four weeks straight in the middle of fucking July?? Needless to say, it's kinda as much of a dang it as can be encountered.

Well, the summer before my senior year I guess I didn't lift with my knees as they say and went all back trying to haul a dresser out of a truck and things just plain didn't end well. I would continue to work for a few more days until I began to complain of my left leg going numb repeatedly throughout the day and intense pain shooting down it. After being sent to a doctor I was diagnosed with a couple herniated discs in my lower back that were pinching my sciatic nerve, thus landing me on the comp for a few weeks. Heavy drinking ensued all day, every day at our off campus house while the housemates were relegated to their summer jobs.

Fuckin' sounds awesome right. I get some time on the comp, a few painkillers for the pain, paid to stay at home and order Chinese food while I watch daytime television. Maybe lie out in the sun or sit in our beloved kiddie pool we purchased for those lazy drunken weekend afternoons. Well, those two weeks off eight years ago have not been worth the hell I've had to endure as every once in a while, depending on the severity of my recent activities, my sciatica will act up and hurt like a motherfucker! Guess what, the present is one of those times. I am stuck sitting behind my desk in my office with constant pain shooting down my left leg and aside from some stretching there is not much that can really be done about it. Hurts not so good folks. And rugby technically hasn't even started yet so I have that to look forward to. AARRRGGGHHH!!! G.D. back!!

"Too Legit to Quit"!

A nice action shot of the Toast atop Uncle Jitter's roof deck from this past Saturday afternoon. Highs and lows of the weekend as follows:

Highs:
1. Saw a number of high class and stellar dudes
2. Gratuitous Male Hugging
3. Tucker's stri-ped briefs; which were seen, unfortunately not on a near naked Tucker
4. Pictures of Javen's daughter Emma
5. Eating one and a half cheese steaks from both Pat's and Geno's **Sidenote: Pat's is better
6. Engaging in a rousing, impromptu, and completely drunken sing-a-long of Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Pt2" on Philly's Mass Transit System (fingers crossed for the soon to be uploaded tell-all video)
7. Got me some more sun
8. Homemade mac and che as Sunday evening return to Fort Awesome comfort food
9. "Too Legit to Quit" everywhere we went. Man....I miss spending all my time with these guys.
10. Drunken and non drunken quoting of Mr. Show, The Simpsons (Too Many Grandma's), Seinfeld, etc. that got the Toast giggling and laughing hysterically.


Lows:
1. Getting so drunk that I was unable to stand (its what 12+ hrs of hard boozin' will do to ya)
2. Billy Ball, Reyn, and Dunford carrying me back to Jitter's house
3. Getting slapped when I became unruly upon my discovery that I would no longer be attending bars with the group (post walking ability loss)
4. Not remembering my apparent wrestling match with Billy Ball on the Philly Streets
5. The aftermath that comes from eating one and a half cheese steaks from both Pat's and Geno's
6. Having to drive home yesterday

See, the good outweighs the bad. It was just a fucking awesome weekend all around. I love my friends. We've got to do it all over again...so very soon.

"Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime."

Today's Toastedblog title comes straight to you, my internet audience, as a line from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; one of this guy's current favs. And why is it that I choose I line that out of context really doesn't make all that much sense?? Well, that reason is simple.....I'm off to Phlly bitches!!!

The Toast is trekking to the City of Brotherly love, via my new rig, tomorrow morning for some general debachery with some burly, surly, and more than likely, rather drunken individuals. In the manner of such great and forever heralded summer baseball roadtrips of yore (i.e. "Classic Over-binge" and "Dependence Day Weekend"), I am all set to get together with a number of college friends of old to go to a ball game in Philly and spend a night out on the town. You see, a few years ago when we were all younger and didn't have the reponsibilities that some of us have now, a solid group of ten plus guys would take off in a rented van and see as many baseball stadiums as we could over the course of a few days. Cheap beer, ballpark eats, unintelligible conversations, hours in a rather potent Ford Windstar; these trips proved to be some of the best times that I've ever really had...that I can partially remember of course.

But then, issues such as: marriage, kids, steady jobs, moves across the country, and graduate educations got in the way and these trips have kinda come to a halt over the past two summers as free time became something of the past. However, this year, we have decided to scrape together at least a weekend that we can all link up, and at least, for one night, it will be like the old days when we were twenty one and didn't get tired by 11:30PM or become horribly bloated and in desperate need for tums after a few tacos.

Now, due to work here in the office, the Toast was unable to attend this little weekend's pregame, which was some gamblin' on the ponies today up in Saratoga, NY but the plans are to be up and at'em early tomorrow morning and make the two hour drive to meet up with the caravan at my buddy's place in Philadelphia. Tailgating, mean meat grillin', frisbee and beers will be the agenda prior to an afternoon game at Citizen Bank Park to see the Phils take on the Dodgers. From there...it's really anyone's guess. Some may not live to see midnight but, what I think is needless to say, the results of us all getting together again is going to be something of a sight. And what a cast we have to boot. Jables, Willie Moe, Billy Ball, Uncle Jitter, Tucker, Reyn, The Hoff, yours truly (the Toastmaster General), Dunford. That's just about 1 metric ton of fucking awesome right there. I'm so amped that I might not be able to get any sleep tonight. It's been too long since we've done something like this, and boy is it going to be sweet!!

Later boners.

I think....I'm getting...the Fear.

Unfortunately have to make this one quick gang, a busy little bee here in the office and we all know that I can't blog at home. Pffft...that's my time and I ain't sharing that with no one.

Anywho, seeing Vedder solo the other night was pretty much...the shit. To be in that intimate setting, the crowd kinda hanging on his every word ; albeit there were a few idiotic shouts for requests of Pearl Jam tunes like "Corduroy". Really dude?? They play that, at like, every show. So, I was saying, it was a pretty unique experience and it'll be one that I'll take with me forever. Vedder bantered back and forth with the crowd and wanted to keep the whole feel of the evening relaxed as he played some of his own songs, a few Pearl Jam beats, some timely covers, and a couple from his kick-ass soundtrack to the movie, Into the Wild.

Also, I always kind of thought this from my many Pearl Jam shows that I have been to, seen, and heard, but Eddie was really, kinda funny. From his reactions to the crowd shouting requests and their declaring their undying love for him to trying to play off messing up random chords on the guitar, Vedder was...well just Eddie Vedder, no more, no less. You saw the human quality of him at a venue like the Warner Theatre, which held only a bit more that 1500 I reckon. He was engaging and for two and half plus hours he alone captivated the crowd with his music, beliefs, wit, and just plain telling various stories about his experiences.

I've said this before, but I don't think I'll ever get a chance to alter it, but this was probably the best show I've ever been to. And I wasn't even drunk. I did however go out to dinner with Kool-Aid before hand to a Tapas Bar that, due to Restaurant Week here in the District, featured all you can eat tapas, but that's besides the point. Point is, and always be, this show, this setting, this atmosphere, the amount of little plates that I put down prior, all culminated into an experience that was fucking, kick ass. So, with that, I leave you with the set list.

Set list: Sometimes, Trouble, Girl from North Country , Around the Bend, I am Mine, I'm Open, Man of the Hour, Setting Forth, No Ceiling, Guaranteed, Far Behind, Rise, You're True, Driftin', If you want to Sing Out Sing Out, Forever Young, Porch

1st encore: Here's to the State, Blackbird, Society (w/ Liam Finn), Throw your arms Around Me (w/ Liam Finn), No More, Arc

2nd encore: All Along the Watchtower (w/ Brendan Canty), Hard Sun (w/ Liam Finn and EJ Barnes)

Duly Noted

It should be known that, aside from just being plain ol' awesome, I also grill up some of the most kick ass burgers the world has ever seen!!! We're talkin' some 1/2 pounders here!! Pat them together with some diced onions and garlic, throw them on your good friend the charcoal grill, serve with corn on the cob and some homemade mac salad; "OH MAMA" is right!!! Dem sumbitches are/were off the chain!!

Is it that obvious that I don't have that much to report today?? In other news, I have shin splints from a heap o' hill running of late and tonight I am going to see the Nats take on the Mets. Stop the presses right??

Fuck and Yes: The Toast High Fives Kool-Aid Ed.

Fuckin' all praise Kool-Aid. Why would I go ahead and open with such a statement you ask? Well, the reasoning is quite simple if you step back and take a ganders at it with the current information that I have here in my possession. What is it that I'm talking about now?? Again with the questions. Okay..okay..okay..okay, I'll clue you in. Kool-Aid, in all her wonder and glory, went out and got me the concert tickets that I so desperately wanted. You know, the wicked expensive ones from third party vendors to go see Eddie Vedder this weekend here in D.C. Let all say it together with me...FUCK and YES.

Granted they are a birthday present (Toast's Birthday is August 31st) but that still is pretty damn sweet. I was surprised with a small box wrapped in ribbon following my post-run shower last night and inside were some Kool-Aid constructed tickets to the event as the real ones have yet to arrive by mail. Her reasoning for doing something like this was simple, to make me happy, and let me tell you something internet audience, it really has. No foolin'!! I've said it before and I will say it again..."Kool-Aid, you the tops!!"

"Everybody knows you never go full retard."

I am finding that my desire to see this movie grows more and more each day. Robert Downey Jr. is the fucking man!! There...I said it.

Wanted: Someone to buy me wicked expensive Eddie Vedder tix.

This is Eddie Vedder, lead singer of my favorite band, Pearl Jam. Anyone who doesn't realize that fact can simply just back away from this little blog o'mine and never ever return.

Currently Vedder is on a short 13 date solo tour of these here United States and has been courteous enough to stop by the District for two shows in about a week and a half at some place known to the locals as the Warner Theatre. What?!?! It was only a little over a month ago that Vedder came to town with the boys for a show at the Verizon Center. This is fucking outstanding news!! Someone get Little Charlie Coville on the horn, he'd love this. Only problem is, when the Toast went to go purchase tickets to go to see Eddie live and solo, I was met with some rather disheartening news. Mutha fuckers are all sold out man.

Not to be dissuaded that easily, I have since looked elsewhere, like from third party vendors, to find tickets to see a solo Eddie in action. $125. per ticket!?!? Dammit!! A pair for $300 bones?!?! Rat Farts!! Can I swing that much loot just to see Eddie for a few hours in an intimate setting?? Man, sometimes I really wish I was wealthy entrepreneur. Or at least competent enough to plot an international jewel heist. Yeah...that would be the balls.

End of an era. The time for the P.O.S to be put down has come.

Way back in the year 2003 I became the proud owner of this:

A slightly used Jeep Cherokee. Man, did I become the shit. I had four wheel drive to handle all the off-roadin' the Toast was accustomed to, which was basically every Saturday rugby game when we had to park on a gravel parking lot as apposed to smooth blacktop; but hey, it had a sweet tailgate, four doors, and wasn't douchebaggy like those Jeep Wranglers. Lacrosse players with their DMB stickers, popped polo collars, barbed wire tats, and ran-too-fast spiky fucking hair. Assholes!!

Anywho, where was I?? Oh, I had just purchased a new to me Jeep and everything was pretty much gravy. True, I wasn't getting the gas mileage that my previous car was capable of, the sweet cutlass, but I also wasn't driving around in an maroon Oldsmobile now was I?? That car did have a pretty sweet Pearl Jam "Alive" bumper sticker on it...but I digress. Life was good.

Anywho, about 6 months into owning the now, self dubbed, "Nice Marmot" Jeep due to it's "Nice Marmot" bumper sticker, (thank you Big Lebowski) I kinda ran into a little bit of trouble. It was a wonderful weekday afternoon in mid-March Syracuse and I was amidst a date of sorts. Few times in Upstate New York do you encounter the combination of 60 plus degrees and sunshine in March so I had taken advantage of the situation to meet a lady out at a local park to go for a long run, enjoy the out-of-doors and then go to the local Wegmans to pick up some food to make a nice healthy dinner. Well, on the way to the grocery store for our healthy vittles I was stopped on a major road by a traffic light and as I scanned my rearview mirror to see the haps behind me I noticed a SUV speeding up instead of the accustomed to, and highly recommended, slowing down for an oncoming red traffic light. I said to myself:

Toast: "I don't think she's slowing down."

And thats when it happened...BAM!!!!! Now, no-one was seriously injured here and basically I made out fine as all damages were covered under her insurance and I needn't worry about a thing. My Jeep was another story as "Nice Marmot" Jeep, while still driveable, had her rear end kinda smooshed and her frame was altered ever so slightly in the accident causing "Nice Marmot" to be dubbed with the term no vehicle wants to receive...totalled. Except, she wasn't totalled and with my father's keen ability to work on cars combined with one of his co-worker's keen ability to really work on cars, the Jeep was back at it and on the road. Better yet, I had made out like a bandit by getting full value for the vehicle from the insurance company and really didn't have any damages that needed me to pay to get fixed. In other words, I was paid close to 10 grand to have some lady smash into the back end of my Jeep at about 30 miles an hour and then just deal with "Nice Marmot's" self image issues.

Now, with all this going on a transformation occured in my Jeep, and more importantly, a transformation in my attention to detail in taking care of said Jeep. No longer would she be met with the handle "Nice Marmot. From then on my Jeep took on the surname...P.O.S., or piece of shit. I stopped really giving two shits about what she looked like and the little things, like a back door being unable to open or its inability to tow anything due to a slightly askew frame. Instead, it was something to get me from A to B.

But the P.O.S. was still more than that. It became a symbol of who I was, a dude. A dude that didn't have time to be bothered by a improperly functioning brake light or air conditioning that wasn't quite cold. A dude that was gritty, down and dirty, and had character as that certainly was what the P.O.S. was loaded with, character. The P.O.S. was the Toast and the Toast was the P.O.S.; someone that didn't give a shit what others thought and would be who he wanted and was meant to be, and damn, in a world that cares sooo much about self-image, the media, stars and starlets, the P.O.S. can be deemed as "fucking refreshing" when viewed in that light.

And don't look at her like a charity case either, the P.O.S. still performed admirably. Road trips, moe.downs, camping excursions, the P.O.S. was there driving away and doing her part with crazy V6 power. As Kool-Aid and I entered into a long distance relationship when she was in Grad School in Baltimore, who was it that getting this guy down there every other week??? The P.O.S., that's who; in all her slightly dented glory.

Over my last year here in VA, she didn't get the same amount of attention as she deserved. Unless I was driving to and fro rugby practice, games, hauling heavy and awkward items, or going to hockey and needed her spacious trunk and backseat for my gear, the P.O.S. was constantly parked in Fort Awesome's back lot and seldom driven. The rough life and tough winter's that the P.O.S. endured over the years had bitten her hard and a little over a month ago when I tried to take her out to a local golf course as Kool-Aid was set to drive off in what has been her replacement of late due to its stellar gas mileage, the L.B.C. (Little Baby Corolla), it was discovered that the driver's side door would no longer latch correctly. Following an afternoon taking her door apart I soon found that she required a trip to the garage to be properly fixed as I had little to no idea on what I was doing. Besides, she needed a Virginia inspection and registration as she still had her NY info and plates.

Now, comes the sad part. It is time to part ways with my whip. The P.O.S. has failed her VA state inpection due to (blatant air quotes) rust issues. Her rocker panels are rusted out, the aforementioned driver side door is having issues, the fog lights are no longer functioning, the passenger front door has a lock that is malfunctioning, and the rear brakes are among the assorted laundry list of problems that must be dealt with in order for the P.O.S. to have a chance to pass inspection and, to be blunt, it's just not worth it to fix a car in her state just because I drive it around for free.

I have been in contact recently with a local car guy who claims to be willing to purchase the P.O.S. for its still useable parts but it really is kinda sad to see her go. She was so utilitarian, she just got the job done but the sentimental value of this jeep can not be ignored. We had been through a lot together and I'm not happy to see her go; not happy in the least. I know she still has more fight in her but there is no justifucation to pay about $2000. in repairs to a car that is barely worth 50 bucks and this scenario has forced my hand into looking for a real replacement for the P.O.S. and I am finding myself leaning towards a Volkswagen oddly enough. A Passat...is that me??

Man, you should have been there when I picked her up though, lookin' good I tells ya. Now, a shell of her former self on the outside, her 6 cylinder, 190 Hp engine still roars like a fucking lion, king of the jungle baby!! My plan is to give her one more good run out on the road before I take the plates off to send back to NY to my father and call this guy to pick her up just to put her down. It'll be good to get her out there just one more time. To accelerate up steep hills, to slingshot past cars on the highway with the greatest of ease. Who knows, maybe, for the last time we'll get her on the rough terrain. Off roading into the sunset?? Whatever the case I'll miss you P.O.S., it's been a hell of a ride.

You know what's fucking delicious???

Hot damn risotto is so fucking awesome. At no-one's fault but my own that I've never had the luxury of taking down some of this shit and as one that loves to cook, its kind of surprising. Forget about my love to cook, my passion for eating really tasty food is leaps and bounds ahead of my cooking desires. Nevertheless, after yesterday, I am no longer blind to the wonders of this Italian treat.

Last night, in preparation for a certain Kool-Aid's triumphant return to Fort Awesome from a weekend getaway to see some friends in the NYC, the Toast put his sweet sweet culinary skills on full display by makin' a meal fit for...well mah Kool-Aid. Mind you, Kool-Aid's none too flashy, one of those low maintenance, zero drama dames that we fellas dream about. So, the Toast fired up the grill, slapped a Bad Johnny steak on there, sauteed up some shrooms, cooked up a few ears of corn, and while pondering a side dish to add to the menu decided to give this risotto stuff the ol' college try.

This shit is the fucking jackpot and I even made the most basic risotto possibly known to man. I looked into recipes that have you throwing all kinds of shit in there. Portabello mushrooms...gonna try that next time. Roasted red peppers and/or asparagus tips...put it on the board!! Making it with some braised veal?? Hot damn, I love me some baby cow!! The options for total and complete risotto upgrades are pretty much endless. Cook it with some bird, throw multiple cheeses in there. You like seafood, that works too. Wanna get boozed up while you eat?? Guess what, you're putting wine in it. Whatever you do, you can't miss. It's un-possible!!!

You know what makes risotto even better?? I made enough of it that I'll be having it with every meal from now until next Tuesday and I'll still have to throw some of it out, not that I ever would. I just wish that I brought some of it for lunch. Stupid rye breaded sandwich. What the hell was I thinking?!?! And what man packs wheat thins and a little cottage cheese cup to go with it?? A fucking idiot, that's who.

"Stay away now, don't - don't come in here. Whatever you hear, stay away! John Doe has the upper hand!"

Up until last night I had forgotten how truly fucking awesome the movie Se7en actually is. My post work plan yesterday included going to the gym, making something to eat, and watching the Sox take on the Angels. This was only partially achieved.

I did make it to the gym and I did go ahead and make myself something to eat. I even stopped off at a local fine beer store for some pretty sweet Flying Dog Kerebos Tripel to enjoy simultaneously with my homemade buffalo chicken wing nachos and, of course, the game. However, when all was said and the tedious nacho preparation was done I came to find that the Sox were already down 4 runs by about the top of the fourth and rather than sit through and watch their second loss in a row (fourth out of their last five games), I opted to see what other forms of entertainment the ol' digital cable would provide me.

Quickly I headed over to one of the very many movie channels comcast provides me, for a nominal fee of course. Upon first glance, I was set to watch another Toast favorite, Hot Fuzz. While the opening credits began to roll on in I used the incredibly clever guide feature on my giant remote to just see what else I could find, as I have seen Hot Fuzz numerous times over the past year.

"Hmm...Jaws, that's a good one. Dammit, its on a channel that has commercials. Fuck that!! What else we got here??"

And this when I ran into Se7en, just as the opening credits had ended their run. Let's give it a go I thought. I had my nachos, I had my wonderfully chilled and potent beer (8.5% y'all) and since this was one of the two DVDs I purchased when I decided to reward myself for graduating college and getting my first REAL job way back in '01 with a DVD player, it was safe to say that it had been quite a while since this flick graced my presence. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found my entertainment for the evening!!

Well, it's still fucking awesome!!! It had to have been at least 5 or 6 years since I really watched this flick and while I wasn't met with the same original surprise I had when I first watched it over ten years ago, it still sent shivers down my spine, grossed me out on occasion, all while just being a fucking awesome, intelligent, original, and psychotic story. Toastedblog faithful, if you have a spare few hours some night, just re watch it, for Morgan Freeman's performance alone. And if his quiet, yet strong and high depth performance doesn't do it for you; you still have John Doe (a brilliant Kevin Spacey) to deal with, who makes the movie ten times more wicked awesome with only the ten minutes of screen time he gets. And the ending...oh the ending. It really isn't a huge twist or anything as there is some foreshadowing throughout the film, but its just so great, despite what some may say about it.

Now, I don't really expect you to check the movie out just because I said so here today. I'm just here giving a movie that I had kinda forgotten about over the past few years two very enthusiastic thumbs up. That's it...I'm out.

"Uh, feel free to harmonize with Hobbes on the RUMMA TUM TUMS"

Other kids' games are all such a bore!
They've gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!
Calvinball is better by far!
It's never the same! It's always bizarre!
You don't need a team or a referee!
You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me!

The perfect outlet for the afternoon me thinks.

**Quick Sidenote**
I loved whenever Watterson depicted Hobbes as just a stuffed tiger. See below.

Keep on Truckin'

Presently, I am sitting in my office while the majority of my team members are either on vacation or have shipped out to Vegas for some regional convention thingy that I apparently didn't make the cut for. Eh...to hell with 'em. I don't have the money to gamble away in Vegas anyway and if you think I want to head out there to catch a Celine Dion show you are sorely mistaken.

But, there-in lies a problem. With my fellow teammates being straight out of dodge it has left me alone in our corner of the building and I'm not gonna lie to you, this does not bode well for my production levels. Long story extremely short, I am finding it wicked difficult to keep my eye on the prize as they say and all that this kid is hitting up work wise today is the constant checking of a few random websites and listening to the Dead. Am I on a gravy boat with biscuit wheels this week as all are out of the office?? Kinda...but what I have noticed is aside from a few "hey, how's it goin's" and "what did you do this weekend" I really haven't had that social outlet that we Toast's need almost constantly. And, like I said, my productivity is pretty much at an all time low.

So what must be done you ask?? Well, as our title so blantantly states, I must keep on truckin'. This is to be a test of whatever so called "work ethic" I really have to keep my mind focused on a couple different projects that I need to complete here in the next few weeks so I can show my worth around here. And who knows what will come of all of this (pay raise??? fingers crossed), but if I do show my boss, and my boss's boss, and so on a little sumpin sumpin, things for the Toast around here may turn into, like, the shit, rather than being kinda shitty as they have been of recent weeks. Nevertheless, here's to hoping.

So, it's time to forge ahead!! Time to rise up and kick a little ass!! Time to unleash hell!! In any event, it's time to stop checking fantasy baseball stats and get to work.

Now that's some pretty sweet fist-pumping!!

Get a look at this idiot!! Dancing away to assorted 80's dance hits at his buddy's pre-wedding welcome party done Disney style this past Saturday evening. More Toasted updates via goofy pictures to come; just wanted to post some sort of update here to let all know that I haven't completely fallen out of touch. I'll let y'all in on a little secret here to boot. Believe it or not, the Toast pictured above is not the least bit sober. Pretty sure that by the time the shirt came untucked during this little shindig I was about 12 beers, a shot or two, and a few jager-bombs deep. And that was prior to hitting the dance floor, who knows where I was during this particular photo op.

"Everybody..King Kong ain't got shit on me!!! BANG BANG!!"

Coming to you live from Interstate 95

Being a corporate workin' man isn't without its few perks and priviledges. Currently the Toast is hitting you all up with a vacation update from a major interstate at 80 mph. We have a lot of vacation info from the past few days here to pass on to whomever actually reads this P.O.S. blog o' mine but I just wanted to let you know that I possess the cranial capacity and fancy corporate blackberry technology to access the internet whilst Kool-Aid drives us back to the District at warp speeds. Not going to take the time to fill you all in now, I just wanted to let you know how hard it was to actually get to you now. How's that for devotion??!! Later bitches!!

Road Trippin'

Mah lower back be all fucked up and is killing me, I am a little bit scruffy, coming off a kick-ass cold, and I am wearing a giant sombrero at the office; sounds like someone's taking a half day and heading south for a few days. Yuppers....the Toast is heading down Ol' Florida way with Kool-Aid in tow for the better part of a week for some general debauchery. By general debauchery I mean the wedding of good buddy/former rugby teammate/current smoked pork eating champion Matt Kormanec and his special lady down at Disney. Expensive rates?? You betcha, but its worth it to see one of my hetero life mates walk down the aisle.

Not to be outdid, we'll also be making a special bonus trip up to Jacksonville to see my sister Kate and little baby Callan for a few. What I really can't wait for is the fucking insane humidity that Florida offers going toe to toe with the Toast, post 13 beers and a few shots of course. That's a recipie for garbage Toast if I've ever heard one. Mmm....garbage toast. Top that off with my aching back in a corrolla for upwards of 24 hours in 6 days and this little va-ca is looking like it could be gravy. But really, I am excited about all of this. How else could you explain the sombrero??

Ahhh....smells like gunfire!!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

**Toastedblog Special Report**

The Toast feels like absolute garbage and is home sick for his second straight day from work following getting blindsided Sunday night with some serious cold and flu action. How much does this suck you ask??? Well, I don't have any fantasy baseball action to keep myself occupied with, I'd say about this much (/hold arms wicked far apart).

Hopefully we'll be seeing the office tommorow morning as I don't think I can handle watching daytime television anymore. Wait....was that "Teen Wolf"?? Later bitches!!

Wait......What??

It's fucking Friday??? How the hell did that happen?? Just the other day I was sitting here at the office wondering just how long this week was going to take and then...BAM!! Friday! Oh, I'm not complaining; just a wee bit confused is all.

But you say I haven't given y'all up to date info on all the haps of the Toast here over the last few, let alone the adventures that I'll be getting myself into. Who gives a shit?? I'll just go ahead and update you now. This weekend...I'm going to buy some pants. And I'm going to drive 50 miles to Frederick, MD so Kool-Aid and I can get drunk on some brewery tour with my cousin. There, you happy now??

"It's frickin' freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth."

I love air conditioning as much as the next guy but today it's pretty ridiculous here in the Toast's office. Let's just say that I never really thought that my office building had a lot in common with Siberia or a Chili's walk-in cooler before, until now that is. Finally, a comparison worth having.

I am finding myself continually going to grab a cup of coffee just so I have something to warm up these ol' Irish bones. Here in lies another problem; I probably have drank about 5 cups of coffee today and now I'm all sorts of wired and jittery. Plus I haven't run to the bathroom this much at work since that time I got Kung Pao Chicken for lunch. Haaay-Ohhh!!!

Madonna hearts Kabbalah...third basemen.

Word on the street is that A-Rod and Madonna are hittin' the skins!! Truth be told, I really could care less. Truth also be told that I fucking despise both of them; and this coming from a guy who has Rodriguez on his fantasy team and used to enjoy a good drunken "Like a Prayer" sing-a-long.

And lets get this straight, A-Rod is 32. Madonna is how old?? I mean, she looks good for 50...but REALLY?? And A-Rod just had a kid, and Madonna just adopted another one, how are they to feel about this? The world today I tells ya. It's getting so a guy making hundreds of millions of dollars for playing a kid's game with a penchant for commiting adultery with strippers can't even cheat on his wife with an aging mega-pop star whore who can't write children's books anymore. It's a sad state of affairs.

Also, this is what qualifies for journalism and news these days. C'mon people, get me more 'round the clock coverage of important shit. There's a lot going on in this country you know. Find me some of that, that...hard hitting stuff. Ahh....that's better. Now that is what I call a story. Sigh......

All must complete the following, verbatim.

STEP 1: Get to the grocery store and pick up the necessary items to produce about 42 meatballs for sandwiches. (Don't skimp out on the cheese, when all is said and done, you'll thank me)

STEP 2: Spend a little Q.T. in kitchen on a nice Sunday evening with some rockin' tunes in the background. Whatever beats you choose is entirely up to you. I just put the Ipod on its highly convenient random setting. It is imperative that one keep the dock remote close by so weeding through the garbage that you're too lazy to take off of there can commence.

STEP 3: Put on jammies, set up shop on the couch, and throw in a movie. I went with a rental, "In Bruges", which proved to be pretty good. Not two very enthuastic thumbs up....but I liked it. Any movie that features a midget taking a karate chop from Colin Farrell has to be decent, am I right. Plus, the movie made me kinda want to head out ol' Bruges way, give it a once over.

STEP 4: Reap the dividends of having a shitload of meatball sandwiches ready and willing at your disposal. (Also known as the JACKPOT)

STEP 5: You've done it, you're living the dream. Congrats!